NFL POWER RANKINGS: WEEK FIVE

BY ADAM GREENE

We have plenty of movement in the middle of the list this week as the league’s also rans begin to run into each other. The top? They seem ironclad. As do the basement dwellers.

Take a look…

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-0)

We’re a month in and while they’ve taken a body blow, the Chiefs remain the uncontested best team in the league. Last week: No. 1

2. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-0)

When the defense makes the Dolphins game a contest, trouble might be on the horizon. Fun (and shocking) fact, this is the Seahawks’ first 4-0 start since 2013. Last week: No. 2

3. GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-0)

Another week, another roll to victory for the Pack. Here’s another fun fact, Green Bay head coach Matt LaFleur has the best record for a head coach through his first 20 regular season games NFL history. Wonder whatever happened to that guy he replaced? Last week: No. 3

4. BUFFALO BILLS (4-0)

Remember when everyone thought Josh Allen was garbage? This might be the greatest single offseason leap in quarterback history and there’s no part of it that seems fake or exaggerated. Last week: No. 4

5. LOS ANGELES RAMS (3-1)

Rams, if that win over the Giants was any uglier it would be messaging me on Hinge. Last week: No. 6

6. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3-0)

The Steelers, through no fault of their own, had their bye week ruined and schedule shuffled. Now their next game is jeopardy after the Las Vegas Raiders had two players test positive for COVID-19 after their game against the Bills. Before the season is over, Pittsburgh could land home field advantage by forfeits alone. Last week: No. 8

7. BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-1)

If the Ravens aren’t satisfied with their passing game, maybe these cupcakes on their schedule would be the perfect time to work that out. You know, instead of just running all over them like you do. Last week: No. 9

8. TENNESSEE TITANS (3-0)

Can you just stop trying to destroy the NFL season? Last week I blamed the fact that you’re based in one of the nation’s worst plague rat states, but this week you had a bunch of players out staging a private workout and two more positive tests show up. I’m shocked you guys didn’t go to Trump’s Rose Garden ceremony that decapitated the United States government. You’re based in Tennessee. You don’t have to live like you’re from Tennessee. Last week: No. 5

9. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2-2)

Speaking of positive COVID-19 tests, the Pats seem like they’ve been targeted. Their best offensive player and now best defensive player have been hit in consecutive weeks. As long as no one else gets flagged, they’ll likely still play their game against the Denver Broncos Sunday, but they better keep Julian Edelman dunked in Purell. Last week: No. 7

10. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-1)

The Bucs have sneakily turned into the team we thought they could be in the offseason. And nobody wants that. Last week: No. 12

11. CHICAGO BEARS (3-1)

Nick Foles is definitely the answer. And the question is, “What stupid move did the Bears make when they could have signed Cam Newton?” Last week: No. 10

12. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-1)

How did the Colts at Browns become the NFL’s best game of the week? Last week: No. 15

13. CLEVELAND BROWNS (3-1)

Speaking of the Browns, they’re 3-1 for the first time in 19 years. That’s old enough to vote. That streak would have been kicked out of Donald Trump’s Miss Teen USA Pageant two years ago. Last week:  No. 18

14. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-2)

The Saints are making the easy wins look hard and the hard wins look like losses. Last week: No. 17

15. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (2-2)

The loss to the Bills isn’t bad for a Raiders team that’s obviously better than Jon Gruden’s previous two, but no where near as good as the team four years ago that eventually got Jack Del Rio fired. Last week: No. 11

16. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-2)

The 49ers better hope Jimmy Garoppolo is ready to play Sunday. Subway can only sacrifice so many sandwich artists for this team’s offense. Last week: No. 13

17. ARIZONA CARDINALS (2-2)

That 2-0 start looks less impressive every week. But don’t worry. The Jets are here to help. Last week: No. 14

18. CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-2)

I’m not sure it’s shocking that the Panthers have won their last two or it’s shocking that there are this many bad teams in the league this season. Last week: No. 19

19. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (1-3)

Here’s what you need to understand as the Chargers roll through a three-game losing streak. It would be worse if Tyrod Taylor was QB. Justin Herbert is playing great and this is still happening. This is not a good team. Last week: No. 20

20. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (1-2-1)

One win can’t save a season, but it can put you in first place in the NFC East. If that division keeps this up, we could see a six-win team host a playoff game come, well, whenever the playoffs finally happen. I’m not sold on January just yet. Last week: No. 26

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-2-1)

Speaking of one win, Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow picked up his first of what could be many. Eventually. Not this year, obviously. I guess four could technically be “many” if you’re being a stickler. Last week: No. 25

22. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-3)

If my team lost to the Vikings, I’d fire my head coach too. Now they’ve got the Seahawks and Packers in two of the next three weeks and a Falcons team in between that has to win a game at some point, right? Right? How is Mike Zimmer’s chair not experiencing a little temperature change? Last week: No. 29

23. DENVER BRONCOS (1-3)

Brett Rypien likely earned himself another start and sets up another classic quarterback duel against Jarrett Stidham this weekend, sure to live forever in the NFL’s lore. One day, in Rypien’s “Last Pass” documentary, he’ll be watching highlights of this one talking about how Stidham motivated him by refusing a pregame fist bump. Last week: No. 30

24. DALLAS COWBOYS (1-3)

This team is one play away from starting 0-4 under Mike McCarthy. Meanwhile McCarthy’s former team has lost four games total, counting the postseason, since they fired him two seasons ago. Last week: No. 16

25. WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM (1-3)

The Dwayne Haskins era is apparently over as the team tosses the keys to Kyle Allen just as the Rams, one of the league’s best pass defenses, comes to town. Last week: No. 21

26. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-3)

Their Week One win over the Colts made everyone think that perhaps the Jaguars weren’t tanking the season. Then we all realized they still had 15 more games on the schedule. Last week: No. 22

27. MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-3)

Considering how well Joe Burrow and Justin Herbert have played a quarter of the way through the season, it’s a shame there isn’t another highly touted and talented rookie quarterback out there who could take the field and spark his team. Last week: No. 23

28. DETROIT LIONS (1-3)

The only person sadder to see Bill O’Brien fired than Bill O’Brien was Matt Patricia, who now moves to the top of the queue. Patricia said this week that the team had a “lot of work to do” when he was hired. Fun fact, the team had finished 9-7 the previous year and only had one losing season (7-9) in Jim Caldwell’s entire four-year tenure. Last week: No. 24

29. HOUSTON TEXANS (0-4)

I hate to drop the Texans a spot after they’ve done the best thing to improve their team since they drafted Deshaun Watson three years ago. Last week: No. 28

30. ATLANTA FALCONS (0-4)

Speaking of the “fired queue,” Dan Quinn and Matt Patricia are in a pitched battle right now to see who can get the best deal on a U-Haul rental. I feel like with Detroit’s economy and number of people fleeing the city and its deadly water supply, Quinn really has the advantage here. Last week: No. 27

31. NEW YORK GIANTS (0-4)

The Giants were in no danger of upsetting the Rams last Sunday, but hung around just long enough to make the game more frustrating that refreshing your Twitter feed over the weekend. Last week: No. 31

32. NEW YORK JETS (0-4)

And here we are. The Jets, again, solidly at the bottom of the rankings as Adam Gase literally walks the green mile. Meanwhile, Sam Darnold is out and, normally you’d think losing your starting QB could be a recipe for disaster, but disaster is the Jets’ business. And they’ve turned that recipe into a cooking blog. One of those annoying ones that wants to talk about how their grandmother’s house smelled or their trip to Machu Picchu before just telling you the ingredients you’ll need. Last week: No. 32

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