BAD BEATS: NFL WEEK SEVEN

BY ADAM GREENE

Hello Atlanta Falcons my old friends. I’ve come to mock at you again. Because while victory is fleeting. It was in your grasp and you were beating…. A Detroit Lions team, with Matt Patricia for a brain. And he is lame. But then you are… the Falcons.

Yes, there was little doubt at the end of Sunday’s NFL action which team would make its triumphant return to the Bad Beats column, by not triumphing at all. The Atlanta Falcons have turned the Bad Beat into an art form. Where others work in paints, clay or a block of marble, the football field is the canvass in which Atlanta delivers one masterpiece after another.

So let’s talk about it, Detroit Lions 23, Atlanta Falcons 22 and how it cost you a chance to pre-order your Playstation 5.

Here’s what makes this one hurt, as you were planning to kill the entire month of with Spider-Man: Miles Morales and Assassin’s Creed Valhalla; all you really needed was Atlanta to win. They were a -1 favorite, basically a coin flip game. In spite of all the “Ls” in their record, this has been a productive offense this season, averaging nearly 20 points a game.

They were facing a Lions squad led by the aforementioned Matt Patricia. A guy already picking out the best U-Haul deals and trying to get the Honey browser add-on to work so he can find a coupon to rent a storage unit.

On the flip side, Atlanta interim head coach Raheem Morris is auditioning for the job after blowing his first shot at NFL head coaching with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. How much of that was Morris and quarterback Josh Freeman’s flame out is anyone’s guess, but considering the results Sunday, Freeman is probably sipping a pina colada right now, leaning back in his deck chair and feeling alright about himself.

The game went exactly how you needed it to in order to fire up NBA 2K21 in 4K graphics this Thanksgiving. It see-sawed back and forth, but did so in a way to ensure, barring a safety or some other crazy turn of events, the game would not end in a tie.

When Matt Ryan took the field down by two with 3:09 to go, all you needed was a Falcons field goal to seal the deal. Ryan, in spite of Atlanta’s flaws, can still sling it. And he’s lining up in the game’s final minutes against a defense that has given up nearly 29 points a game this season.

It was dink and dunk time and, in a story we’ve seen frustratingly reenacted in multiple instances, Ryan was able to carve his way down the field to get a first and goal at the Lions 10 with 1:04 to go. Detroit even used their final time out in the process.

We all know what has to happen now. The Lions have to let the Falcons score. Atlanta has to keep from scoring to run out the clock and kick the winning field goal. On first down running back Todd Gurley took off and broke through according to both teams’ plans, but attempting to hit the brakes at the one, instead barely broke the plane of the end zone to score the touchdown. Gurley’s fantasy owners rejoiced. The Falcons and Gurley, not so much.

Still, there was just 1:04 left on the clock and Detroit was out of time outs, down 22-16 after the Falcons’ successful two-point conversion. What could they do?

Funny thing about that. Matthew Stafford is a good quarterback. The only reason no one thinks he’s great is that he’s played for the Lions his whole career and been saddled with some of the worst head coaches to ever pick up a clipboard. Patricia is no exception. In fact, he’s probably the worst of the bunch.

But, in his 11^th season, Stafford is still unquestionably elite when it comes to one thing; the fourth quarter comeback. Stafford came into the game No. 5 among active quarterbacks in delivering magic in the final period, behind Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger and the guy who just attempted his own fourth quarter comeback attempt on the other side of the field, Matt Ryan. Ryan, with 30 career fourth quarter comebacks in his pocket, was a minute away from his 31^st.

But Stafford was going for No. 30 and was facing an Atlanta defense that decided to open the floodgates like Furiosa at the end of Mad Max Fury Road.

Stafford worked his team down the field to the Atlanta 11 with three seconds to go. There was no field goal attempt on the table. The Lions had to get a touchdown, and with three ticks on the clock, had only one play to do it.

Your children sat beside you, their dreams of playing Bugsnax and Astro’s Playroom just as real as yours. They were going to have a PS5 SackBoy Adventure while everyone else watched football on Turkey Day, staying good and quiet while you drifted off to sleep, your stomach full of tryptophan and Molson’s.

Stafford had other plans. He would have No. 30 and there would be no 4K Fortnight for your kids. You will not be sniping the noobs on Call of Duty Black Ops Cold War while your significant other hits the Black Friday sales.

Stafford found tight end T.J. Hockenson for the 11 yard touchdown pass to tie the game and kicker Matt Prater’s extra point sealed the win. The odd scoring tree you’d counted on saving you, dooming you in the end.

You will have no PS5 in your life on Thanksgiving. But, ironically, you will have Matthew Stafford, the man who tore the copy of Observer System Redux right from your waiting hands. Because Detroit always plays on Thanksgiving. They host the Houston Texans at 12:30 p.m.

And that’s when, loaded up on pumpkin pie and rage, you will plan your betting revenge. And hope your spouse can nab a PS5 with a copy of Borderlands 3 as they atomic elbow their way through the COVID-19 zombie horde at Target.

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