FRIDAY NIGHT PRESEASON NFL: FOUR GAMES

BY ADAM GREENE

After a disastrous first official week of preseason I followed it up with a dumpster fire in Week Two. Not completely, mind you. I went 12-4 straight up, so moneyline bets would have been fine. It was the spread that got me as I once again posted another 6-10 week, narrowly missing so many games by half a point I’d like to forget decimals exist altogether.

Of course, you can’t do that. This is sportsbetting and it’s not for the weak of heart. Especially in the preseason where games are unpredictable, rosters constantly moving and where coaches sometimes just toss guys out there to see if they stick. A good 40 percent of them don’t.

Our final preseason week is separated into three days of multiple games, beginning on Friday with four contests featuring three 2020 playoff teams as well as a rookie quarterback everyone gets more excited about by the day. Our only nationally televised game is probably the least interesting, the Minnesota Vikings (already imploding thanks to Kirk Cousins deciding he’d prefer a Tupperware covering over a proven safe and effective vaccine that’s already protecting about 200 million of his fellow Americans) vs the Kansas City Chiefs, who are probably just thinking about simming the game so they can begin their Super Bowl quest come September.

But they’re playing and we’re watching. So we might as well make some picks and get that bag.

Here’s our Friday night selection:

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT DETROIT LIONS (+2, O/U: 33.5)

The Colts are working on a perfect 3-0 finish to the NFL preseason and the 0-2 Detroit Lions are here to help. Detroit, for all the praise their offseason got them, has looked pretty awful in the preseason for what it’s worth. No one expects a lot from them in the regular season either, so I guess there’s that. Indianapolis, on the other hand, is a 2020 playoff team that plenty of people expect to return if they can get Carson Wentz on the field. Considering how well second year QB Jacob Eason has played, they might be able to take it slow if Wentz isn’t 100 percent for Week One.

The Lions haven’t been able to do much of anything and I don’t see that changing here. They fell 26-20 to the Pittsburgh Steelers last week and starter Jared Goff never took a snap. Instead it was David Blough and Tim Boyle who barely completed over 50 percent of their passes combined for no touchdowns. The Colts knocked off the Vikings 12-10 with Eason solidifying himself as Wentz’s No. 2 and rookie Sam Ehlinger probably dusting off a seat on the practice squad cnce Wentz is cleared. He finished 8 of 13 for 70 yards and two picks.

You hate to go winless in the preseason, meaningless games or not, but frankly it might be a while before Detroit wins anything at all with their regular season schedule. Colts 17, Lions 10

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT NEW YORK JETS (-4, O/U: 33.4)

As this is the game most interesting to a national audience, it will only be available in and around New York until the NFL Network replays it later, probably at 3 a.m.. As such, the rest of us will only get the in game highlights to see how much Zach Wilson plays and what spectacular thing he does. The kid’s been pretty good so far and New York is 2-0 because of it. The Eagles have been very Detroit-ish to say the least, going 0-2 in the preseason and looking worse by the game.

The Jets took down the Jordan Love-less Green Bay Packers last week 23-14 with Wilson filling up the highlight reel going 9 of 11 for 128 yards and two touchdowns in one quarter of work. Rookie running back Michael Carter rushed 10 times for 52 yards and if New York could stop losing players to season ending injuries on defense, they could be exciting this year while still ending with a losing record.

Philadelphia saw Jalen Hurts pulled out of the line up due to non-Covid illness, but they still had Joe Flacco and Nick Mullens, so there’s no excuse for the shameful goose egg they posted against the New England Patriots in a 35-0 defeat.

I’m not sure how much work Wilson we’ll get here, but even his back up Mike White played OK last week. Philly can’t say the same, so I’m going with the books here. Jets 19, Eagles 13

PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5, O/U: 35.5)

Pittsburgh is cruising through the preseason and even with the extra Hall of Fame Game, is 3-0 and firing on all cylinders with a QB room that should be the envy of half the league. Carolina has no such problem with P.J. Walker and Will Grier not exactly lighting up the scoreboard. Starter Sam Darnold has attempted all of two passes in the preseason so I have to believe the plan is to play him more this week. Considering he’ll be facing a Steelers defense, I’m not sure that’s particularly wise. Like every other scrub we’ve seen so far on this Friday slate of games, the Panthers are winless in the preseason at 0-2. 

Carolina fell 20-3 to the Baltimore Ravens last week in spite of the fact that the Ravens were playing their No. 3 QB the whole time. Grier led them in passing with a decent performance, finishing 11 of 14 for 144 yards. Walker was 1 of 8 and heading toward the waiver wire.

As mentioned above, the Steelers delivered a swift kick to the Lions. Ben Roethlisberger saw what should probably be his only action of the preseason, going 8 of 10 for 137 yards and two touchdowns. Mason Rudolph and Dwayne Haskins went the rest of the way, which either means Josh Dobbs is getting cut or Mike Tomlin wants to evaluate Rudolph and Haskins against each other.

Pittsburgh’s quarterback depth is just too good for the preseason and, arguably, at least one of their reserves is better than Carolina’s presumptive starter. It’s going to be a long year for the Panthers, but at least they’ve got good barbecue. Steelers 26, Panthers 10

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-4, O/U: 38.5)

The epic battle between Kirk Cousins and science continued this week with Mike Zimmer bringing in another expert, epidemiologist Dr Michael Osterholm in an attempt to convince his team’s plethora of plague rats that it’s in their best interest to take a life saving and proven safe vaccine over contracting a virus that has killed over 600,000 Americans and continues to fill up ICUs to the breaking point as a type this. Cousins, because he is an idiot, wasn’t convinced.

“It was a great meeting,” Cousins said, burping his body-covering Tupperware container in the process. “It was informative. And it was what it was.”

Zimmer, whose job is in the hands of a group of men actively trying to spend Super Bowl Sunday hooked up to a ventilator, isn’t hopeful they’ll change their minds. This is the roster he’s been stuck with and he obviously hates it.

“These guys, some of them just won’t do it,” Zimmer told reporters. “I shouldn’t say it, but some of the things they’ve read are just, woof, out there. It’s their belief, so whatever they’ve heard or read or been told, or maybe they don’t believe what Dr. (Allen) Sills and the NFL is telling them. I don’t know.”

I do. I know. Kirk Cousins’ dad Don is an anti-vax pastor, so mystery solved.

I’d ask Zimmer to cheer up. There are worse things than getting fired. He could be stuck coaching a team led by Kirk Coughin’ Coffin Cousins.

Minnesota put up a pitiful effort against the Colts as we’ve already looked at. Cousins was 5 of 7, but used so many checkdowns Zimmer has called him out for it publicly. Can we just go ahead and hand Green Bay the NFC North trophy?

Kansas City outlasted the Arizona Cardinals 17-10. Patrick Mahomes played enough to go 10 of 18 for 78 yards before the rest of the QB room mopped up. Anthony Gordon, who I continue to evangelize about, went 7 for 7 for 42 yards.

The ugliness will continue for Minnesota with no end in site. Kansas City looks ready for the season to start, though Travis Kelce really needs to re-grow his beard. We’ve all made mistakes we regret with the razor, but two weeks should get a nice dusting back on those cheeks. Chiefs 24, Vikings 12

Last week

Straight up: 12-4

Against the spread: 6-10

Preseason

Straight up: 19-14

Against the spread: 12-22

The NFL season begins on Thursday, Sep. 9 and the Week 1 Schedule is already up and taking bets at BetOnline.AG.

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