USFL WEEK 2 PREVIEW & PICKS

BY ADAM GREENE

If you tuned into the 2022 debut of the United States Football League last weekend, you, like me, probably thought, “Hey, that is a football being bobbled around by these inept doofuses on that field in Birmingham.”

You could have even wondered, “Hey, didn’t I see the guy playing quarterback smoking a cigarette next to the full dumpster behind a Fudrucker’s a month ago?”

To both thoughts, I say, you were probably right. I’m pretty sure that was a football used in each game and if Paxton Lynch misses anther shift in the kitchen, his Fudrucker’s Grillmaster status will be unceremoniously revoked.

Coming in cold as a football prognosticator, I performed exactly that way. I was almost bad enough at picking games to become the USFL’s official handicapper. I was as bad at picking the games as the coaches and players were at performing in them.

But, that’s all in the past. This will be the official fourth week these coaches and players have been together, worked on their playbooks, practiced as a team and shared tips on how to dodge child support subpoenas and eviction notices.

Let’s pick some games.

FRIDAY

MICHIGAN PANTHERS AT NEW JERSEY GENERALS (-1, O/U: 41)

Look at us, with real spreads and totals this week like an actual sports league. The Generals and Panthers both had the inglorious distinction of suffering the first two official losses for their franchises in the USFL. Since they are coached by Mike Riley and Jeff Fisher, respectively, they should get used to it.

The Generals actually played like a decent team, falling in a 28-24 loss to the Birmingham Stallions in the USFL’s Saturday night prime time opener. Luis Perez completed 72.2 percent of his passes for 142 yards and two touchdowns with no picks and should have solidified himself as the starter. QB De’Andre Johnson did do some OK work with this legs, rushing for 98 yards, but unless Riley wants to institute the veer offense, he needs to stick with Perez.

For those of us who watched Fisher’s career come to a faceplant into a cart of cow manure with the Los Angeles Rams, it came as no surprise to see his team being shut out for most of the game before making it interesting in the final minutes, before still losing.

I’m wondering how long Fisher can keep his own team from scoring this week. Generals 20, Panthers 13

SATURDAY

PITTSBURGH MAULERS AT PHILADELPHIA STARS (-7, O/U: 35)

After a solid prime time opening game, a stadium packed with fans and decent ratings, the Easter Sunday games looked downright post apocalyptic. The stadium was so empty you’d think Kid Rock sang the National Anthem before kickoff.

Like the Generals and Panthers, both the Maulers and Stars took an “L” to begin their USFL campaigns. Philadelphia fell 23-17 to the New Orleans Breakers while the Maulers were jumped by the Tampa Bay Bandits’ Trans Am, 17-3.

Which explains the touchdown line.

Josh Love led the Maulers passing, finishing 9 of 16 for 121 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions. Running back Garrett Groshek carried 16 times for 55 yards.

For the Stars, Bryan Scott was the only guy to take snaps at quarterback. He completed 69.4 percent of his passes for 202 yards, one touchdown and a pick. Chris Rowland caught seven passes for 74 yards.

I’m thinking this one will be ugly even by current USFL standards. Stars 19, Maulers 6

BIRMINGHAM STALLIONS AT HOUSTON GAMBLERS (+3, (O/U: 40.5)

Completely by accident, the USFL created a winner’s bracket in their late Saturday and only Sunday game. The Stallions and Gamblers put their undefeated records to the test in front of, hopefully, fans that would rather watch c-level football than their kids Easter Egg hunts. Fingers crossed.

In spite of their 17-12 win, the Gamblers didn’t produce much offense. Clayton Thorson passed for just 73 yards, a TD and an interception. Mark Thompson rushed 13 times for a respectable 71 yards.

The Stallions, on the other hand, put on a show. The USFL’s only home team put up 28 points, with J’Mar Smith throwing for 156 yards and a touchdown. If there was a star of the USFL’s Week One, it was Stallions receiver Osirus Mitchell. The 6-5, 210-pound  former Ole Miss Rebel looked like a guy that will probably land in an NFL camp come summertime. He caught five passes for 96 yards and a touchdown.

The Stallions offense was the best out all the teams a week ago, but their defense probably can’t stop anybody. Still, I’m going with the favorites. Stallions 31, Gamblers 20

SUNDAY

NEW ORLEANS BREAKERS AT TAMPA BAY BANDITS (-2.5, O/U: 40.5)

Our Sunday afternoon will boast the final battle of USFL unbeatens. The Breakers were respectable on offense, putting up 23 points in their win over the Stars. Kyle Sloter was a solo act at QB for New Orleans, completing 63 percent of his passes for 150 yards and an interception. Jordan Ellis rushed 18 times for 89 yards and a TD to lead all USFL running backs in Week One. Tight end Sal Canella caught six passes for 58 yards.

For the Trans Am team, Jordan Ta’amu was the only QB to take a snap in their 17-3 trouncing of the Maulers. Ta’amu finished 20 of 32 for 185 yards, one touchdown and two picks. His favorite target was Cheyenne O’Grady, who hauled in eight passes for 86 yards. BJ Emmons carried the ball 19 times for 40 yards and a touchdown.

If the Bandits are going to start the season 2-0, they need more help on the ground from Emmons and Juwan Washington. I don’t think they have it in them. I like the upset. Breakers 20, Bandits 17

Last Week: 1-3

Season: 1-3

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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