WHAT WE LEARNED: NFL WEEK 5

BY ADAM GREENE

Hey, we could talk about some real football today, but Aaron Rodgers said something profoundly stupid again so here we are.

AARON RODGERS WANTS TO DEBATE TRAVIS KELCE OVER THE COVID-19 VACCINE

I legitimately hate to see politics show up in any article not specifically about politics, but sometimes I don’t get to decide what counts as “politics.” For instance, I feel as if being angry over police officers (who should not be police officers) murdering people live on camera is something we should all feel needs to stop, every time. Willful murder should be political.

It’s the same with vaccines. Most of you reading this live in the United States, I’m guessing, and our country would not exist without vaccines. General George Washington, seeing that the Continental Army was being decimated by smallpox, ordered all the men under his command to get inoculated. And it wasn’t just a shot like it is today.  

I’ll let the article I just linked above explain it, “Inoculations were far more primitive – and dangerous – than today’s vaccinations. The most common method was to cut a person’s skin and rub the minor incision with a thread or cloth contaminated with a less-virulent version of smallpox, which in this case was a strain known as ‘variola.’”

That’s right. They’d cut your skin and rub gross, infected scab juice onto it. Makes the whole sterilized needle feel a whole lot better, doesn’t it? And listen, it’s not your fault, person reading this, that you didn’t know that. You probably weren’t taught that in your American History classes in the US public school curriculums instructed by football, basketball and wrestling coaches. Hard to believe actual important historical information can fall through the cracks with such a foolproof system.

But, hey, now you know.

And, here’s the other thing. I’ve taken every single shot they can give me, including the new one and I’ve yet to develop magnetic superpowers or connected to 5G via a secret microchip. All of my parts are the exact same size they were pre-shot. I don’t know why all the stupid conspiracy theories make it sound so awesome, but none of the very cool Avengers Initiative cybernetic superhero origin story stuff has happened to me. I’ve just never caught COVID-19, even once. And all I did was wear a mask in public pre vaccine and take the shots as soon as they became available. And, as a photographer who’s at multiple crowded NCAA sports every week, I got tested all the time.

The other thing is, if you don’t want to take the shot, knock yourself out. Nobody cares anymore. Rawdog the apocalypse. You do you.

Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. Someone cares a lot and that man is our nation’s preeminent ivermectin spokesperson, Aaron Rodgers, who has doubled down on his criticism of Travis Kelce for appearing in commercials advocating the COVID-19 vaccine after Kelce stated it didn’t bother him to be called “Mr. Pfizer” at all.

“I thought it was pretty good,” Kelce said. “I mean, with the ‘stache, I kind of look like a guy named Mr. Pfizer. Who knew I’d get into the vax wars with Aaron Rogers, man? ‘Mr. Pfizer’ vs. the Johnson & Johnson family over there.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. The New York Jets are owned by Woody Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson company who made their own COVID-19 vaccine. That’s the guy signing Rodgers’ checks.

Also, I don’t know which pharmaceutical company made the anesthesia that put Rodgers under during his Achilles surgery or the painkillers and recovery drugs he’s taking now, trying to make it back before the season’s over. I’m guessing they weren’t grown on an artisanal farm in Vermont, and he didn’t have a shaman pray him to a deep slumber before the scalpels came out.

Oh, and the two drugs Rodgers took when he was sidelined with COVID-19 back in the 2021 season? The monoclonal antibody treatment was created by multiple big pharmaceutical companies, including Eli Lilly, Regeneron, GlaxoSmithKline and Genentech. Ivermectin, which cannot work to treat COVID-19 at all despite what your crazy uncle posts on Facebook, is made by MERCK. And how do I know, specifically, that it doesn’t work in treating COVID-19? Because MERCK, the Big Pharma company that makes it, says it doesn’t.

Rodgers had no issue with those Big Pharma companies either. I’m not sure what’s given him such a mad-on for Pfizer, but I’m guessing it has more to do with being jealous that Mr. Pfizer is dating Taylor Swift, a person who Aaron Rodgers was also likely pursuing before Kelce, much like a San Francisco 49ers defensive back in the playoffs, intercepted the pass attempt and returned it for a score.

Now, Rodgers, because he’s a dipstick, has decided to really lean into the heel role and has challenged Kelce and Dr. Anthony Fauci, the retired director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases to debate Rodgers and “his guy RFK, Jr.” Yes, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., they man so stupid, vile and awful that his own bother and three sisters have publicly denounced his run for president.

First off, let me just say, this idea is dumb on its face. No one needs this to happen anymore than I need an astronaut to debate someone who believes the Earth is flat or the moon is made of green cheese. Second, neither Rodgers, and all his “research” and Kelce are scientists or experts in anything other than playing football. They’re both very good at it and will both end up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Let’s just hope Rodgers can attend the ceremony after repeatedly catching Covid over and over again in spite of what type of sorcerer spell or cow bezoar he continually wishes upon. Tough to deliver a speech when hooked up to a ventilator.

As for Kelce, I’m sure he’s enjoying the hell out of this. He continually looks like a great dude, it shows that Taylor certainly made the right choice and Aaron Rodgers has, within a span of two weeks, completely destroyed all the goodwill he rebuilt thanks to the best season of HBO’s Hard Knocks ever filmed.

Too bad there’s not a horse paste to fix that.

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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