FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 6

BY ADAM GREENE

Listen, I don’t know who I need to talk to about this. It’s time to ban the Denver Broncos from Thursday Night Football. The Kansas City Chiefs are one of the most exciting teams in the sport, but even they could not get up to play Sean Payton, Russell Wilson and the absolute dog refuse that is the Broncos on Thursday night.

Taylor Swift was there. Swifties were watching. I’m sorry you had to see that. If it was up to me, it’d never happen again. Last year the Broncos lost 12-9 in a battle of field goals to the Indianapolis Colts on TNF, a game with no touchdown and 12 punts. And it went to overtime.

Wilson had one of the worst games of his life Thursday, and that’s saying something because he was garbage all last year too. He was sacked four times, threw two picks, didn’t even hit 100 yards passing. Payton was supposed to fix this. This does not look fixed. This looks like a full porta potty that got knocked over by a drunk guy riding a four-wheeler.

We’ve got two teams on byes, but still 12 Sunday mid-day games to pick, so let’s get at it.

Byes: Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers

BALTIMORE RAVENS AT TENNESSEE TITANS (+4, O/U: 41.5)

It’s Tennessee’s turn to stink up the United Kingdom with a performance from Ryan Tannehill rivaled only by what Mike Vrabel will do in his hotel room loo the morning after eating beans and eggs for breakfast. Baltimore is coming off an awful loss and there’s just no way a team that good loses two in a row. Even if they’re playing on a field named after an Urban Dictionary sex act — Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Ravens 34, Titans 20

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS AT ATLANTA FALCONS (-2.5, O/U: 42.5)

There was a point where both these teams were 2-0. Washington has lost three straight including a solid blowout to the Chicago Bears last week on Thursday night. They’ve had some extra rest this week for Ron Rivera to completely ignore everything in the Falcons’ scout, his team’s roster or gameday management. We all make fun of Kyler Murray and his love of Call of Duty, but what the hell is distracting Rivera? A game of Pong? Falcons 23, Commanders 20

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT CHICAGO BEARS (+2.5, O/U: 44)

In another universe in the multiverse, Minnesota is coming into this game 5-0. All four of their losses are by a single score and, in only one of those games, was their offense kind of shut down and they still scored 17 points. There have been plenty of football games won with a 17-point score. Chicago picked up its first win after really figuring out their own offense for the second week in a row. Can they make it three? Because, if they do, the Vikings defense will crumble like a Nature’s Own Crunchy Granola Bar. Bears 38, Vikings 35

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (-2.5, O/U: 45)

Has Joe Burrow finally knocked off the rust and healed his calf? No one tell Aaron Rodgers, but I’m guessing actual medical science has had a lot to do with that. Punditry might not be surprised that Seattle is 3-1, but I am. I’m not a believer and I feel like that Cincy will take that lack of belief that I hold and spread it around a little. Bengals 31, Seahawks 17

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS AT CLEVLAND BROWNS (+8.5, O/U: 37)

If you thought Cleveland had a puncher’s chance in this one, that puncher, Deshaun Watson, is currently out (again) with an injured shoulder. It took him forever to look anywhere close to the quarterback he was when he was cashing in masseuse groupons on the reg and the second he did, he’s not played a down since. If anything, this proves that Watson isn’t getting any extra training table work. San Francisco might be the best team in football and the Super Bowl champion will probably be decided in their two matchups (assuming they both make the NFC Championship) with the Philadelphia Eagles. They’re not going undefeated. No team is, but against the Browns with PJ Walker at QB? 49ers 44, Browns 10

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT HOUSTON TEXANS (+1.5, O/U: 42.5)

This is a surprisingly sneaky game. New Orleans is coming off an absolute massacre win, 34-0, over the New England Patriots that we, as a nation, need to see a marble monument erected to commemorate. As for Houston, they were barely knocked off in the final seconds by the Atlanta Falcons and should probably be 3-2 right now and co-leading the AFC South. I’m not sure how healthy Derek Carr is at this point, but here’s what I am sure about — the Texans are better than the Patriots and that might be all it takes to steal this one at home. Texans 23, Saints 20

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-4, O/U: 44.5)

Jacksonville has returned from its two-week stint over the pond (where they went 2-0) to face a plucky Indianapolis team with Jonathan Taylor back, but Anthony Richardson out. The Colts look a lot better than expected, but the Jags are now playing for real playoff seeding after knocking off the Buffalo Bills. Plus, they’re at home. Or, at least their American home. Sure, it’s probably an RV with an alligator chained to a stake in the swampy backyard, but it’s home nonetheless. Jaguars 27, Colts 20

CAROLINA PANTHERS AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (-13.5, O/U: 47.5)

Is Miami the best team in the AFC? The second-best team? Will it mean anything when any of these AFC squads face off against the Eagles or Niners in the Super Bowl? What I do know is there is a significant talent differential between the Dolphins and Carolina, especially with the Panthers missing Miles Sanders, Vonn Bell, Derrick Brown, Xavier Woods and Jaycee Horn. So, you know, start those Dolphins in your daily fantasy picks. Dolphins 45, Panthers 16

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (-2.5, O/U: 41.5)

Another historic loss and another week where Mac Jones had to pick splinters out of his ass postgame because he was shoved right onto the bench. For the Patriot haters out there, and we are legion, this season has just been a joy. A gift from start to finish and the fact that this team looks worse every single week is a blessing none of us should take for granted. We’ll get out victory lap this upcoming summer when Bill Belichick has to stew in his diaper in front of the NFL Films Hard Knocks cameras, but that’s desert. This outright collapse before even hitting halfway through October is the main course. And losing to Josh McDaniels and Vegas will just be like adding a side of cheesy bacon ranch fries. Raiders 31, Patriots 13

DETROIT LIONS AT TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+3, O/U: 42.5)

Detroit will be without Jahmyr Gibbs against the Bucs, saving Dan Campbell from purposely not playing him to screw over my fantasy football team. This is a solid match up and would be a potential playoff preview if Tampa Bay wasn’t a sure bet to lose at home as the fourth seed in the Wild Card Round to the Los Angeles Rams or Dallas Cowboys. While the Lions will be without Gibbs, a guy they barely use, they’re getting back Amon-Ra St. Brown, a guy that has to have the most world religions represented in his name. Lions 34, Buccaneers 23

ARIZONA CARDINALS AT LOS ANGELES RAMS (-7, O/U: 48.5)

I told everyone in the preseason that this Rams squad would be a playoff team. Punditry scoffed and though LA is sitting with a record currently under .500, they’ve had a shot in every loss and two of those defeats have been to the two best teams on the planet — the 49ers and Eagles. As for the Cardinals, they’ve played tough and better than their roster, but this has been an historicly pro Sean McVay match up and with a healthy offense, Los Angles should roll and possibly stack up quite a few wins in a row over the coming weeks. Rams 34, Cardinals 20

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT NEW YORK JETS (+7, O/U: 41)

This will probably be the best defense Philadelphia will face until they line up against the 49ers on Dec. 3. The Eagles will be without a couple of defensive weapons of their own in this one, with rookie phenom Jalen Carter and cornerback Darius Slay both expected to miss with injuries. The good news for Philly is their best defensive player will take the field — New York quarterback Zach Wilson. Yes, he’s played better in the last two games, but last week he was facing the worst team, and maybe worst defense, in football in the Broncos (last night’s performance not withstanding). This was a Jets loss when it was put on the schedule, even with our nation’s preeminent ivermectin spokesperson, Aaron Rodgers, presumed to be healthy and playing. Eagles 31, Jets 17

Last week

Straight up: 5-9

Against the spread: 5-9

Season

Straight up: 48-30

Against the spread: 41-37

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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