NFL POWER RANKINGS WEEK 9

BY ADAM GREENE

Let the NFL week begin. It’s time to rank all 32 teams through arbitrary standards crafted in the fevered corners of my own mind.

Enjoy, won’t you?

1. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (7-1)

It wasn’t the easiest victory over the Washington Commanders last Sunday, but, in the NFL, style points mean nothing. Once again, sitting halfway through the season, the Eagles have the best record in the league. And, right now, certainly the favorites to win Super Bowl LVIII. Last week: No. 2

2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (6-2)

I hope you are sitting down, because I am. There is no question that this is the highest I have ranked the Jaguars in the near decade now I’ve been doing the Power Rankings. To bounce back like this, just two seasons after the disastrous Urban Meyer hire, is just phenomenal. Doug Pederson is in some real danger of winning Coach of the Year. Last week: No. 3

3. MIAMI DOLPHINS (6-2)

Pederson’s main competition for Coach of the Year is probably calling the plays in Miami. Mike McDaniel has created the most dynamic, and soon to be stolen, offenses in the league. McDaniel has become such a star that, when told he was a popular Halloween costume this past week, refused to believe it. “That does not compute,” McDaniel said. “That doesn’t make any sense… I refuse to accept that as reality.” Well, here’s the deal, Mike. You are an NFL coaching star, and it is absolutely reality. Last week: No. 4

4. BALTIMORE RAVENS (6-2)

The Ravens’ offense is humming, but this is a team that has a knack for dropping a game that they should win every now and then. Which could be good news for a Seattle Seahawks team this Sunday that Baltimore should crush into the turf. Last week: No. 5

5. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (6-2)

Swifties, stay with us. This kind of thing happens. The more NFL you watch, the more you’ll realize that every team will lose a game they should have won, and, likewise, a team that should have been railroaded will find a way to get it done. Your Chiefs aren’t out of it, but they deserved a bloody nose after multiple weeks of playing down to opponents. That loss to the hapless Broncos was a wakeup call. Last week: No. 1

6. DETROIT LIONS (6-2)

The Lions currently hold the No. 2 seed in the NFC and, are arguably, the second-best team not only on paper, but in real life. They have a franchise quarterback that has already taken a team to the Super Bowl, Jared Goff, and are playing in a down NFC that could, legitimately, be won by any team that makes the bracket. Detroit is one of only four teams that has never made it to the Super Bowl, along with the Cleveland Browns, Houston Texans and Jaguars. All three of those have, at one time, been expansion teams (though the Browns got to reclaim the history the Baltimore Ravens left behind). The Lions have been around since 1930, then known as the Portsmouth Spartans. So that drought is significantly longer for them, though they did win four NFL Championships before the 1970 merger (1935, 1952, 1953 and 1957). Last week:  No. 6

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (5-2)

This is apparently going to be a very fart heavy version of the Power Rankings, but I can’t control that. I’m a journalist. I speak truth to power. And the volume and noxiousness of Mike McCarthy’s Waffle House farts after beating the hell out of Sean McVay and the Los Angeles Rams last week in a complete domination, probably knocked every single bird out of the air in Arlington and a 10-mile radius outside of town. Last week:  No. 8

8. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4-4)

Looking at an overall weak NFC and an open track to, at least, an NFL Wild Card appearance, the Vikings rightly decided to swing for the fences on a quarterback at the trade deadline, adding Joshua Dobbs from a horrid Arizona Cardinals team in exchange for a sixth-round pick. Kirk Cousins, who was having the best season of his life, of course, tore his Achilles last week and will be out for the year. Dobbs is slated to be No. 2 this week behind rookie Jaren Hall. Don’t be surprised to see head coach Kevin O’Connell tap his elbow toward the bullpen early for Dobbs as his team faces the Atlanta Falcons Sunday. Last week: No. 11

9. BUFFALO BILLS (5-3)

The Bills return to the site of Damar Hamlin’s life-threatening injury last year. It was a dramatic moment that will be hard to forget and certainly the heroics of the Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills and the University of Cincinnati Medical Center will be rightly celebrated. But, there’s still a game to be played and, not only was Buffalo down 7-3 when the Cincy game was cancelled a season ago, the Benglas blew them out in the AFC Divisional Round. This game is likely for Wild Card positioning, but Buffalo needs to stop screwing around on offense if they want to win it. Last week: No. 13

10. CINCINNATI BENGALS (4-3)

Speaking of the Bengals, allow me to congratulate them on their 2023 NFC West championship. All four of Cincinnati wins have come against NFC West teams. Which is bad news since Cincy is facing off against an AFC team, albeit one they owned last year in the playoffs, in the Buffalo Bills. Last week: No. 16

11. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-2)

The Seahawks, apparently feeling they’re a player away from competing for a championship, traded for defensive lineman Leonard Williams from the New York Giants. Yes, their defense will be better but, I hate to tell Seattle, you are far from a player away. Though, thanks to the current disaster that is the NFC West, you could win the division and set up a home playoff loss against the No. 6 seeded Wild Card, so, you know, good luck with that. Last week: No. 17

12. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (5-3)

San Francisco has been in a free fall for weeks and decided to halt it by trading for edge rusher Chase Young? If there was one thing you see on a team with a healthy Joey Bosa and Javon Hargrave is another pass rusher. Now, I like Young and he’ll probably start in a few weeks if he stays healthy, but his main job early on might just be physically carrying defensive coordinator Steve Wilks out of the coaches’ box and onto the field. And, as good as Young is (and will be if he doesn’t get hurt), I’m not sure he can throw a football and that seems to be the biggest issue for the Niners right now. Last week: No. 7

13. NEW YORK JETS (4-3)

The Jets continue to win without Aaron Rodgers. If only he had taken more ivermectin, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Damn you, Dr. Fauci!  Last week: No. 15

14. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (5-4)

With a game coming up against a beatable opponent starting a rookie, it’s important to focus again on how important it is for the Steelers to not only lose this game, but possibly lose out. Pittsburgh fans are spoiled. This is a franchise that had nine losing seasons out of the last 54. For fans under 30, they have no real clue what a below .500 season looks like, even though a couple of them might have occurred in their lifetimes. For whatever reason, the Steelers fans I’ve talked to, think that Mike Tomlin will let Matt Canada walk the plank, even if this team wins and possibly makes the playoffs. Now, Tomlin has let an OC leave before after his contract wrapped. In 2018, Todd Haley did not have his contract renewed. Canada signed a one-year extension last offseason, so Tomlin will be free to just not re-sign him. And, considering “Fire Canada” has replaced “Here We Go Steelers” as the chant of choice for Pittsburgh fans not only at Steelers games, but pretty much every sporting and public event they attend, you’d think it would be on the table. But here’s what I know about Tomlin. While Haley was a “big personality,” or as some would say an obnoxious A-hole, Tomlin likes Canada. He’s Tomlin’s hand-picked guy. To fire Canada after this stretch, would make Tomlin admit that he, the guy that spends postgame win press conferences in a delicious cloud of his own luxurious farts, has made a serious mistake. Is that guy going to let “fans” tell him what to do? You really think Tomlin is going to admit some yinzer in a faded Lemieux hockey jersey knows more about football than he does? The only way he will be forced to go full Quebecois as a Canadian separatist is for this team to finish with a losing record. And I’m not talking 8-9. Sometimes, to get significantly better, your team needs to lose. To make my point, Chuck Noll went 1-13 in his first season as head coach of the Steelers. What did Pittsburgh get for that? They selected Terry Bradshaw No. 1 overall out of Louisiana Tech. Three years later they started a dynasty. Finish 5-12, get a high draft pick and allow Canada to walk away as a free agent to land at an RMAC NCAA Division II school where he belongs.  Last week: No. 9

15. CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-2)

Deshaun Watson has returned to practice, but still isn’t slated to start this week and probably shouldn’t. The Arizona Cardinals are coming to town and PJ Walker, and the Browns defense, should have no issue helping the Cards continue the tank. Deshaun needs to focus on his rehab, something he’s doing alone for the first time without any extracurricular massage table help. Last week: No. 10

16. ATLANTA FALCONS (4-3)

My favorite to be the first head coach fired, Arthur Smith, survived the first ax, as the Raiders officially tossed Josh McDaniels out of the airlock. That doesn’t mean Smith still isn’t a significant player in the Worst NFL Head Coach bracket. In a panic move this week, Smith has officially benched Desmond Ridder and will start Taylor Heinicke in a winnable game against the Minnesota Vikings, a team also looking at a new starting QB. Last week: No. 12

17. LOS ANGELES RAMS (3-5)

The idea that the Rams opened the season looking to tank was always ridiculous. What wasn’t ridiculous was the thought they were going to let the chips fall wherever they may. Now, Los Angeles obviously has a better team than most people thought back in August. It doesn’t hurt that they had a slam dunk of a draft back in April, adding three potential starts in later rounds in wide receiver Puca Nacua, edge rusher Byron Young and defensive lineman Kobe Turner. LA was playing for a Wild Card this year and isn’t out of it, but it doesn’t help that their only real QB on the roster, Matthew Stafford, might not start this week against the Green Bay Packers. The fact that the Rams were completely silent at the trade deadline shows that, while they haven’t folded their hand, they’re certainly willing to sit with what they’ve been dealt. Last week: No. 13

18. DENVER BRONCOS (3-5)

In spite of a laughable start to the season, Sean Payton has led the Broncos to two straight victories, including a monster upset in Denver over the Chiefs last week. The schedule ahead for the Broncos is not particularly tough. Only the Bills, Lions and Browns would be significantly favored at this point. Maybe the Los Angeles Chargers. The King of Queens might pull this season out of the crapper yet. Last week: No. 21

19. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (4-4)

I’m not sure if Derek Carr is getting the respect he deserves as an above average and borderline franchise quarterback, but one thing’s for sure — he’s the only good thing happening with the Saints right now. Last week: No. 26

20. TENNESSEE TITANS (3-4)

Rookie quarterback Will Levis, not once in his NCAA career at Kentucky, threw four touchdowns in a single game. Last week, in his first NFL start for the Titans, he did just that in a phenomenal debut against the Atlanta Falcons. Can he do it two weeks in a row? Last week: No. 28

21. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (3-4)

Thanks to a visit from one of the other worst head coaches in the league, Matt Eberflus of the Chicago Bears, Brandon Staley was able to halt a two-game losing streak. On paper, they should have a significant offensive talent advantage over the Jets, but I’m not sure Staley could even win a game against a legit head coach on paper. Last week: No. 29

22. HOUSTON TEXANS (3-4)

It was a tough loss on the road to a winless Carolina Panthers team last Sunday, but there’s nothing too negative to take away from the Texans’ campaign so far. No one expected them to contend this year, so every victory, and the continued emergence of rookie quarterback CJ Stroud (who has still only tossed one pick all year) remain noteworthy. Stoud, at least, looks as if he’s walking to the NFL’s Rookie of the Year award. Last week: No. 18

23. NEW YORK GIANTS (2-6)

The Giants are headed for a very high pick in the draft, and they should, realistically, be thinking about which quarterback they need to select with that Top 3 selection. Yes, they signed Daniel Jones to a wacky extension this past offseason because, I guess, they had to. But it’s not too early to cut bait, considering they would have the cap space to eat that contract with a starting rookie QB. Last week: No. 19

24. CHICAGO BEARS (2-6)

Usually, a team actively acquiring a player at the trade deadline is a contender. Yet, the Bears tossed a second-round pick to the Washington Commanders in exchange for edge rusher Montez Sweat. Nice of general manager Ryan Poles and head coach Matt Eberflus to leave a gift to the men who will replace them next season after they’re fired in January. Last week: No. 20

25. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-5)

I have bad news for Colts fans who are looking to add Marvin Harrison, Jr. in April’s draft. You travel to the Panthers Sunday and that’s probably a guaranteed win. Last week: No. 22

26. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (3-5)

If you felt that my impression that the Commanders were tanking since the preseason was off, I present to you the trades of their two best defensive players, Montez Sweat and Chase Young, at the deadline. The new owners are setting up a solid stage for the next general manager and head coach and, one of the ways to do that, is to stick with their current horrid GM and head coach. This is tanking with purpose, especially when your next head coach should already be on your staff in Eric Bieniemy. Last week: No. 23

27. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-4)

The Bucs are going to be in the mix all season. Not because they’re good, but because the NFC South is so bad. Last week: No. 25

28. CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-6)

In the first battle between Bryce Young and CJ Stroud, Young came out on top, ruining our shot at our first 0-17 team in NFL history. The Panthers might not win another game, but they got the one and, really, that’s all that matters… to the Bears who own their first-round pick. Last week: No. 32

29. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2-6)

And just like that, the Patriots fall right back to Earth in a blowout loss to the Dolphins. Now there’s rumors that the Patriots might be shopping Bill Belichick (and, in so doing, his sons Splunk and Toof) in the offseason in a trade. Supposedly, they’re eyeing the Commanders and their new ownership. Is it true? No, but it would be the only way Belichick and the Pats could avoid the HBO’s Hard Knocks cameras next year, so I am thoroughly against it. Last week: No. 27

30. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-5)

After opening the year 2-1, the Pack have lost four straight and it would have been five straight if they hadn’t had a bye in there. This week they get a break, hosting a Rams team possibly starting Brett Rypien at QB, robbing the local Fudrucker’s of its best grillmaster in the process.  Last week: No. 30

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-7)

Joshua Dobbs was playing far too well for the Cardinals tank job to be a guaranteed success. Therefore, the team traded him to the Vikings at the deadline and will now start rookie Calyton Tune this week against one of the best defenses in the league. Kyler Murray has practiced some, but he’s still considered out and, frankly, the Cards may not play him at all considering they might be trading him after securing the No. 1 overall pick in next April’s NFL Draft. Last week:  No. 31

32. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (3-5)

The battle for the NFL’s worst head coach was won emphatically by Josh McDaniels, who, after suffering his latest inglorious defeat, was fired by the NFL’s own Bucky Larson, Mark Davis, late Tuesday after the league’s trade deadline passed. This was McDaniels’ second head coaching stint and it worked out exactly like his first, as he ran off his team’s franchise quarterback, lost a ton of football games and was fired halfway through his second season. McDaniels’ head coaching career ends, for good (let’s hope) with a record of 20-32, no playoff appearances and two above average starting quarterbacks traded. Davis also fired general manager Dave Zeigler, and deservedly so. Coach’s contracts are guaranteed, so the Raiders still have to pay McDaniels for the next four and a half seasons. All the while still paying Jon Gruden on the remainder of his 10-year contract they ate when they fired him. According to reports, that’s anywhere from $40-80 million. So, you know, maybe Mark Davis should farm out hiring these positions next time. He obviously can’t be in charge of his own team. Antonio Pierce will take over as interim head coach, Champ Kelly is the interim GM and rookie Aiden O’Connell will start at quarterback, barring catastrophe, for the rest of the year. Last week: No. 24

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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