FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 9

BY ADAM GREENE

Well, the Pittsburgh Steelers opened the week taking both a win and a loss at the same time. You see, in spite of the fact that offensive coordinator Matt Canada is on a one-year contract, I’m convinced if the team doesn’t finish with a losing record, and I’m not talking just 8-9, but worse than that, they’ll retain his services as OC.

Steelers fans, and I know a ton of them, think that Mike Tomlin will decide to listen to every yinzer in a rat-eaten Jaromir Jagr jersey and let Canada walk the plank at the end of the season. That their calls from the rafters at every public and sporting event to “Fire Canada” will somehow resonate within Tomlin. That he will look deep inside himself and realize that he was wrong. That yes, you, the guy who had his bank card declined three straight times trying to pay for a meatball sub sandwich at Sheetz, somehow knows more about professional football than he does.

And, in this case, you’re right, Pittsburgher. You do. But Tomlin will not be convinced. The only thing that’ll do it is losing and his team is just too talented to do that consistently against one of the easiest schedules in the league.

That’s exactly what happened in a 20-16 win over the Tennessee Titans Thursday night. The Titans were starting a rookie quarterback, Will Levis (who played pretty well, actually) on the road in one of the most hostile environments in sports and the team still only scored the requisite “Matt Canada 20” and, once again, did not reach 400 yards of offense. The fact that the Steelers scored a touchdown on their opening possession was remarkable only in that it so rarely happens. And, of course, still they had to come from behind at the end to win the game.

The victory, in short, was another disaster for the franchise.

We have four teams on byes this week, so we’re down to 14 games to pick and 11 mid-day contests on Sunday. So, let’s get to it and, maybe, make a few jokes in the process.

Byes: Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, San Francisco 49ers, Jacksonville Jaguars

MIAMI DOLPHINS AT KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-1, O/U: 51)

You know what’s stupid? Putting the best game on the schedule, between two of the best teams in the league and a possible AFC Championship Game preview, in London. Played on a crappy soccer field in front of a stadium full of people who just ate beans for breakfast. How was this game not the first choice for Monday Night Football?  How many times did the NFL schedulers think we needed to see Aaron Rodgers in Prime Time? We liked Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce plenty, NFL guys, even before Taylor Swift and her entourage (which now includes Deadpool and Wolverine) showed up. This is ridiculous. As for the game? I like Miami a lot and would like them even better if Kansas City hadn’t lost a bad one to the Broncos a week ago. I don’t think KC is losing two in a row, but this spread is solid. It’s going to be close and worth working through that Sunday hangover at 9:30 am. Chiefs 34, Dolphins 33

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT ATLANTA FALCONS (-4, O/U: 37)

The Desmond Ridder era in Atlanta is over while the Jarren Reed/Josh Dobbs era in Minnesota has just begun. The Falcons will turn to Taylor Heinicke, as so many other bad to middling teams have before. To honor our departed Friend Matthew Perry, could Minnesota be more injured? Kirk Cousins has been lost for the year and Justin Jefferson is on IR. I think Atlanta will legitimately be better with Heinicke, but I still think Arthur Smith should be fired. Along with general manager Terry Fontenot. Falcons 24, Vikings 16

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6, O/U: 44)

In Seattle’s mind, I’m sure this game looks like a potential Super Bowl preview, but, in my mind, I’ve got a shot at Taylor Swift if Travis Kelce fumbles her. Both are just as likely to happen. Now, Baltimore could very well get there. Lamar Jackson is 17-1 in his career when facing an NFC team. Sunday, he’ll make it 18-1. Ravens 44, Seahawks 23

ARIZONA CARDINALS AT CLEVELAND BROWNS (-8., O/U: 37)

It’s official. As of Friday morning the Browns are breaking the seal once more on Deshaun Watson and unleashing him on the Arizona Cardinals, a team about to start rookie Clayton Tune at quarterback. Sure, it’s important to be careful with Watson’s health as the team is stuck to him like a millstone wrapped around an albatross’ neck, but if there was ever an opportunity for an easy tune up game, this is it. Browns 34, Cardinals 3

LOS ANGELES RAMS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3, O/U: 38.5)

Matthew Stafford has been held out of practice this week thanks to an injured thumb. No decision has been made officially for gametime Sunday, but Brett Rypien could very well be called into service. Which is bad news for whatever Sandwich Artist has to cover his shift at Subway. While the Rams haven’t leaned into a failed season, it appears Green Bay has, trading key players before the deadline and angling for what might turn into a Top 10 pick. If Stafford does play, he’ll help them get there. If Rypien starts, I’m sorry, Pack. You’re winning this one. (With Stafford) Rams 23, Packers 20. (Without Stafford) Packers 20, Rams 10

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS AT HOUSTON TEXANS (-2.5, O/U: 40)

Both these teams lost by a single score a week ago, but they are in very different areas of development in spite of having the exact same 3-4 record. The Bucs are at the tail end of a championship run, with enough good players to compete, but not enough to get them over the hump. Their quarterback is above average at best in a league that really needs elite play at the position consistently to win a Vince Lombardi. The Texans drafted that guy, someone eventually capable of becoming that elite franchise QB, and they’ve put tons of talent around him. They’re at home and better than any of us thought they’d be. Of course, you could say the same thing about Tampa Bay. Texans 24, Bucs 20

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3, O/U: 41)

Just when we all started setting our calendars for the eventual announcement of the Patriots’ Summer 2024 appearance on HBO’s Hard Knocks, the Washington Commanders come to town to screw everything up. Patriots 23, Commanders 20

CHICAGO BEARS AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-8.5, O/U: 41)

Justin Fields should still be out so it will once again be Tyson Bagent, a guy who looks like he showed up on the news arrested for accidentally fumbling a bag a meth when dropping his daughter off at daycare. Derek Carr has to be fired up about this game. Not because he has a chance to put his team in the NFC South driver’s seat, but he can do it with Josh McDaniels watching every scoring play on NFL Red Zone. Also, of note, this game is a battle between two of our worst remaining head coaches in the league — Matt Eberflus and Dennis Allen. The end result could resonate deep into the local unemployment office at the end of the season (if not before). Saints 27, Bears 13

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (+2, O/U: 44)

Back when the schedule was released, this was our Anthony Richardson vs Bryce Young with NFL talent around them game. It turns out, Richardson was the only one with any real NFL talent around him. Young now face off against future Chippendales All-Star Gardner Minshew. And Young will lose. Colts 27, Panthers 19

NEW YORK GIANTS AT LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (-1, O/U: 37.5)

Scott Hanson has the best job in the world, but it’s moments like this, in the 4:30 window when there are just a handful of games to flip through, you kind of feel sorry for him. I know he takes a lot of pride in not going to the bathroom for seven hours on Sunday, but feel free this time, Scott. We’ll be alright out here watching Tyrod Taylor fumble around while Aiden O’Connell throws the ball backwards. Giants 16, Raiders 13

DALLAS COWBOYS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3, O/U: 47)

Hey, speaking of great games, here’s one. Two of the current Top four teams in the NFC face off for the first time in two years with both squads and full strength. In their two matchups a season ago, which they split, never once did Jalen Hurts take the field at the same time as Dak Prescott. Mike McCarthy comes into this one as satisfied as if he just closed down the local Tahoe Joe’s thanks to beating the hell out of the Rams a week ago. Meanwhile, all Nick Siriani has done is lead his team to the best record in the NFL again. I’m not sure this one will be particularly close. Eagles 34, Cowboys 24

Last week

Straight up: 11-5

Against the spread: 10-6

Season

Straight up: 75-47

Against the spread: 65-57

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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