FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 12

BY ADAM GREENE

Those of us looking forward to seeing an improved, and even contending, Detroit Lions team take the field on Thanksgiving were taught a valuable lesson yesterday as the “new” Lions looked an awful (and, man, do I mean “awful”) lot like the “old” Lions. It turns out, regardless of their record coming into Thanksgiving, the Detroit Lions are always going to turn into turkeys. The Lions lost 29-22 to the Green Bay Packers, who are suddenly a legit Wild Card contender. Jordan Love has even looked like a real NFL quarterback. Meanwhile, Jared Goff hasn’t so much turned back into a pumpkin, but he certainly looks a whole lot like the guy the Los Angeles Rams shipped out of town because he couldn’t win them a Super Bowl.

Our second game went exactly as we expected it, with the Dallas Cowboys, who have yet to beat a team with a winning record in 2023, whipped up on the Washington Commanders, 45-10. Dak Prescott was nearly perfect, as he often is against inferior opponents, going 22 of 32 passing for 331 yards, four touchdowns, no picks and he wasn’t sacked. Oh, and DaRon Bland set a new NFL record with his fifth pick-six of the season. It’s hard to believe the Cowboys replaced Trevon Diggs with another Trevon Diggs, but there you go. It’s almost as if Dan Quinn is pretty good at this defensive coaching thing.

Our last Thanksgiving Day game was just as sad as the mid-day game, with the San Francisco 49ers obliterating the pretending contending Seattle Seahawks, 31-13. I wrote in my preview that if this game was close at all it would say more bad things about the Niners than good things about the Seahawks and you see what happened. I have no idea how this Seattle team continues to fool punditry into thinking they’re anything more than a garbage team propped up by a weak schedule, but they prove it every single week. One of my favorite moments from the game was when Seahawks linebacker Jordyn Brooks, who did record a pick-six in the game, the only touchdown the team scored, was quoted after halftime telling his teammates, “We’re not going to lose to this team,” before his team lost to that particular team. It’s good to believe in yourself. It’s mentally healthy, but it’s another thing to live in another dimension of reality. The Seahawks literally lost this game the second it was put on the schedule. It was a ticking time bomb set to go off for the last 12 weeks.

Here’s something else, with the Cowboys, 49ers and Philadelphia Eagles showing up on the schedule, Seattle won’t even be competitive in a game before Christmas Eve and if you don’t think so, I hope to God the next time I sit down at a poker table, you’re sitting across from me. Even that game, where they play at the Tennessee Titans, could be a loss. The Seahawks could absolutely lose out. I don’t think they will. They’ll win at least two more and maybe three, sneak into the playoffs and get absolutely railroaded in the Wild Card round as the Good Lord intended.

Lastly, we had the first ever Black Friday game which pretty much ended all hope for a playoff run from the hapless New York Jets. We did get a little history in it (and some comical entertainment) when Javon Holland returned a Hail Mary pass from Tim Boyle 99 yards for a touchdown with no time on the clock to end the first half. Maybe Aaron Rodgers should just keep huffing the hydroxychloroquine and take the year off. The Jets lost 34-13 if you needed me to tell you that.

We still have 10 mid-day Sunday games to pick so let’s get cracking. And there might be some jokes in here too.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT HOUSTON TEXANS (+1, O/U: 47)

Considering this is one of the best games of the entire weekend, we should all be outraged it wasn’t flexed to Monday Night football instead of languishing in the 1 p.m. block Sunday. If you told anyone that the Texans would be playing a game with serious playoff implications at Thanksgiving, the person you said it to would just fall silent and press the back of their hand to your forehead to check your temperature. Jacksonville, we expected to be here. I knew Houston would be better with DeMeco Ryans and CJ Stroud, but this? I never saw this at all. As fun as it would be to see the Texans hold on, there’s always next year. And they will be GREAT next year. Jaguars 27, Texans 23

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-2.5, O/U: 43.5)

If ever there were two teams we need to be reminded are currently playing in the NFL, it’s the Bucs and the Colts. Technically, both these teams are in the playoff hunt and no one cares. This one could be a good game, certainly the teams are evenly matched, but if Scott Hanson needs to take a piss break while this game is on Red Zone, we’ll all understand. Buccaneers 20, Colts 17

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT NEW YORK GIANTS (+3, O/U: 33)

As much as we’d all love to see the Patriots officially close out their second consecutive losing record and third in the last four season, all but ensuring, without some Roger Goodell tomfoolery, that New England will be the preseason Hard Knocks team in 2024, do we have any faith that Tommy DeVito and the Giants are the team that can do it? I say thee nay. Patriots 17. Giants 14

CAROLINA PANTHERS AT TENNESSEE TITANS (-3.5, O/U: 37)

As owner David Tepper is, reportedly, preparing to fire Frank Reich after a rough first season as head coach of the Panthers, maybe he should take a long, hard look at himself. Not too long. I mean, he does look like a disembodied human thumb a wicked witch turned into a real boy, but a quick glance should do it. Titans 23, Panthers 17

PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (+1, O/U: 34.5)

It’s our first chance to see the Pittsburgh offense without Matt Canada literally driving them down the field in reverse. Is Kenny Pickett also a problem? He has seven games to prove he isn’t and a Cincinnati team starting its own backup quarterback with which to do it. Steelers 23, Bengals 16

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT ATLANTA FALCONS (pk, O/U: 42)

The fact that this game is a pick ‘em tells you everything you need to know about both these teams. Last year, the NFC South “champion” won the division with an 8-9 record and the only reason it might not happen again is the fact that all these teams play each other and the Panthers are a guaranteed win for the other three. Saints 20, Falcons 17

LOS ANGELES RAMS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1, O/U: 44.5)

Here’s a fun little fact for you. Since Sean McVay took over as head coach of the Rams in 2017, he has lost to the Cardinals exactly twice. One of those came last season when most of the key players on LA’s roster were out for the season. If you’re a mathematician, or even a math magician, that’s a record of 12-2 including one playoff blowout in the Rams’ 2021-22 Super Bowl run. So, that spread is probably a gift, is what I’m telling you. Rams 31, Cardinals 20

CLEVELAND BROWNS AT DENVER BRONCOS (-2.5, O/U: 35.5)

It’s the Joe Flacco bowl, as the former Super Bowl champion quarterback and, legitimately, one of the best postseason quarterbacks of his era, has now officially suited up for both teams. Of course, Flacco has now played for six NFL teams, so the chances are pretty good this can happen multiple times for Ole’ Joe. Either way, as good as Cleveland’s defense is, I’m not sure Dorian Thompson-Robinson is ready to stand up to what has become a pretty stout Broncos defense lately. Broncos 20, Browns 17

BUFFALO BILLS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3.5, O/U: 47.5)

Look at this, the best game of the week and it’s nowhere near prime time. Meanwhile, we’ve got the Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football the very week when the NFL could flex any game it wants into the spot. But, hey, I’m sure CBS is rejoicing as should we all be, because this one should be fantastic. Philadelphia has just officially put the stink of their Super Bowl loss behind them with a win over the Kansas City Chiefs. Meanwhile, Buffalo’s offense hummed last week after they fired offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey. It’s too bad the Bills have screwed around so much in the early part of the season. You’d hate for a loss this late to cost them a playoff spot. Eagles 27, Bills 24

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (+9, O/U: 43.5)

The Chiefs are coming off a tough and humbling loss to a team they nearly fell to in the Super Bowl a year ago. The Raiders have an interim head coach and are starting a rookie quarterback. If you don’t live in Missouri or Vegas, you’re probably not going to get to watch this entire contest once Kansas City scored its fifth touchdown to open the third quarter. Chiefs 38, Raiders 23

Last week

Straight up: 10-4

Against the spread: 6-8

Season

Straight up: 95-55

Against the spread: 81-69

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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