Crazy NFL Parlay: Week 14

BY ADAM GREENE

Our point in crafting this artisinal, vegan, gluten-free Crazy NFL Parlay is to give you (and me) a chance to cash in on the insanity that can happen, as the cliché goes, any given Sunday.

But the thing is, while we’re throwing out a “Crazy” parlay here, we’re not completely insane. So I’m sure you’re looking at that Redskins +6 and Broncos +330 and trying to talk yourself into it, don’t. I did too. Hard. But it ain’t happening, even in the nuttiest of scenarios.

Nope, we want to stack up games and upsets that have a chance of paying off big. This week, here’s what I’ve brought to the office post-Thanksgiving leftovers pot luck.

BILLS +230
BENGALS +255
PANTHERS +167
LIONS +485
DOLPHINS +190
COLTS +145
JAGUARS +155
CHIEFS +146
RAIDERS +130

A $5 parlay with all those moneylines pays off $97,782.86. That’s right. Those dreams you have of tossing the house on the market, buying that 2020 Holiday Rambler Admiral RV and hitting the open road are just a mouse click away. You’re not made for this 9-to-5 desk jockeying life, man. You’re going to sell off the minivan. Buy a Mustang convertible and hitch it to the back of the Rambler and hit the highway, maybe travel down the Old Route 66 from Chicago to Los Angeles like people did before the Interstate system criss-crossed America. Experience this country. See the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore for the first time like you’ve been putting off your whole worthless life.

Damn. I’m really talking myself into this one.

So let’s look at it.

First off, there are two reasons the Chiefs aren’t favored over the Patriots straight up. The first is that the game is at Foxborough. The second is that the books are scared to death of New England in this position, coming off a loss, and they should be. Still, if you’ve read The FAQ for this week, you know I’ve picked Kansas City to win this one already.

Three weeks ago, the Colts would have absolutely been favored over the Bucs. The Chargers have phoned in the season and Gardner Minshew has been re-gifted the jock strap of destiny. Those games aren’t difficult calls at all.

If the Panthers hadn’t fired Ron Rivera this week, they would be almost a guaranteed winner over the Falcons.

Here are the games you have to do some real soul-searching; Ravens vs Bills, Bengals vs Browns, Lions vs Vikings, Dolphins vs Jets, Raiders vs Titans.

In The FAQ, I’ve picked all the home teams so I’ve already talked myself out of them for the most part. Let’s work against my own picks’ self interest here and see what we can come up with.

I already posited that Sean McDermott would come up with a defensive strategy that the rest of the NFL will copy for the rest of the season to slow the Ravens down, but not stop them on offense. But what if they do? What if Josh Allen has one of those insane rushing and passing games he has from time to time where he pulls play after play from his anal cavity?

Would it be ridiculous for Ryan Fitzpatrick to torch the Jets for five touchdowns? He does that. How many games can the Titans win in a row, especially after traveling to the west coast?

How hard are the Browns willing to play for Freddie Kitchens with his head on the chopping block? Andy Dalton could easily lead this Bengals team to back-to-back wins.

Maybe the hardest to convince yourself happening is the Lions beating the Vikings in Minnesota and I’m with you. It’s difficult to see, but let Bo Scarbrough run for 180 yards and Trey Flowers sack Kirk Cousins three times and maybe we could something special could happen.

Or maybe you could drop that one and still take home $16,027.11. Instead of that loaded luxury RV you could settle for a new Kia Spectra and push the dream down the road again… you know the road. Route 66.

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