Antonio Brown Just Won’t Go Away


If you, like me, had hoped you’d heard the last of former NFL wide receiver and noted insane person Antonio Brown, then you were sadly mistaken. No, we’re not talking about a ridiculous rap song or even him verbally attacking his child’s mother and the police.

Nope, this time, he was arrested for burglary, battery and plenty more charges that I am too exhausted to write out here. Brown turned himself in.

This, of course, has nothing at all to do with the legal issues regarding his alleged sexual assault of a former trainer. This is all new stuff.

I can’t tell you how tired I am of writing about Antonio Brown, yet he just keeps sticking his crazy head out of his crazy hole and doing crazy stuff. He won’t stop.

As part of his release, Brown has been ordered to undertake a mental health evaluation, which begs the question, how will this be the first time Antonio Brown has been ordered to take a mental health evaluation? Because that in itself is completely insane. The dude is obviously nuts.

No judge, in any of this other court proceedings, thought that maybe he might benefit from talking to a licensed professional about all the wonky, goofball goings on inside of his fevered noggin? That can’t be right.

One of Brown’s lawyers took issue with labeling his obviously wackjob client a nutcase.

“I don’t think there’s any mental health issues with him. Antonio Brown’s life right now is a reality show,” Eric Schwartzreich said. “He is misinterpreted and misunderstood. He’s not guilty of these charges. He did not commit a felony battery. In this case, when all the facts come out, you will see he will be vindicated and he will be found not guilty.”

“Misinterpreted and misunderstood,” he says.

Yeah. People just aren’t getting him. Like the prosecutors, who didn’t want Brown to be given a bond because he was a possible flight risk since the bats in his belfry have started to eat their own poop.

Brown, to show how stable he is, upon his release promptly ran away wearing what I can only believe is a reject suit from the Lucky Charms collection.

So what led to this latest fiasco that once again put Antonio Brown into your news feed and has me typing his stupid name out with my cursed fingers yet again?

Apparently there was a dispute over a moving truck and a delivery. At one point Brown allegedly (I’m legally forced to write) took the guys keys and broke into the truck without paying for the delivery. He also reportedly destroyed some other stuff in the truck that didn’t belong to him.

The driver called 911 and Brown’s lackey, a guy named Glenn Holt, was arrested on the spot. AB wasn’t arrested because he ran into his house and said “safe!” or “not it!” or “home base!” and I guess I really don’t know how policing works in the rich parts of Hollywood, Fla.

I’d love to think this is the last I’ll see and certainly the last I’ll write about Antonio Brown, but I know that’s not true.

I mean, just think of all the XFL records he’s about to set.

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