BAD BEATS: NFL WEEK EIGHT

BY ADAM GREENE

You did it, didn’t you madman! You looked at that line, New York Jets +19.5 against the Kansas City Chiefs and talked yourself into it. You thought, in your fevered brain, that NFL lines shouldn’t be that high. That the Jets were still a team in the National Football League, fielding players deemed the best out of the pool of NCAA draft-eligible men to come available each season as well as pros from an open market of veteran free agents.

This wasn’t Clemson hosting Old Dominion for God’s sake. These are highly trained and paid professional athletes with coaches, themselves with bulging bank accounts, prepping them. And all you needed them to do is keep it under 20 points. They could do that, right?

Right?

We know the answer to that as of Sunday night, which is why you, the bettor that laid their hard-earned cash on Jets +19.5 are our featured guest here in our weekly look at the NFL’s Bad Beats. Welcome. You earned it the hard way.

Because you needed it to pay off, otherwise how were you going to afford that $500 fee to participate in the BFRO’s 2020 Kentucky Bigfoot Expedition on Nov. 12-15? The Bigfoot Research Organization’s premier Kentucky-based search for the legendary cryptid that has so long eluded science. You know that all the BFRO needs to break the case is your participation. You are, ironically, the missing link in their quest to lock down scientific proof of the existence of sasquatch. You just gotta get out there.

Only your husband and wife won’t let you. “We’re not blowing $500 so that you can go stomp around in the woods and yell into the dark at an imaginary animal with a bunch of other clod-humping morons” they say, not understanding all the evidence compiled up to this point. You can’t even get them to watch the stabilized version of the Patterson-Gimlin film on Youtube. They think it’s a “waste of time” and “dumb” and “you should grow up for Christ’s sake.”

You forwarded them the article on Idaho State’s Dr. Jeffrey Meldrum and his giant Bigfoot print collection, but they say things like, “Why do I want to look at some pervert’s foot fetish?”

And you say, he’s no pervert! He’s a scientist. His tie even matches his shirt!

But it’s a futile battle that you just can’t win. It’s time to raise that $500 yourself with your betting prowess. Sure, you were risking the very $500 your significant other specifically told you that you couldn’t afford to spend on Bigfooting (a real word and one you can even Google with the safesearch turned on), but that cash was safe and sound. I mean 19.5 points, it’s just too much.

And for three quarters you were as safe as a baby squatch cuddled to his mother’s breast. Kansas City built a 28-9 lead and as the fourth quarter began, had put the game out of reach. More importantly, they were up by exactly 19. You still had your half a point to play with and surely Andy Reid would pull his starters out and cruise the rest of the way.

But Andy Reid had one thing to say to you, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

Reid trotted quarterback Patrick Mahomes out onto the field and with proof of discovering a vestigial population of Gigantopithecus blacki at stake andpromptly led the Chiefs to the end zone in barley over two minutes.

You still had a chance, of course. With 11 minutes left in the game, New York could have managed one touchdown against Kansas City’s back ups. But this is the New York Jets we’re talking about. And if there’s one thing the Jets can’t let happen is you personally proving the existence of Bigfoot.

They’re part of the cover up. And now you’re going to have to explain $500 missing from your bank account without so much as a squatchian fecal sample to show for it.

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