Bad Coach Power Rankings: NFL Week 17

BY ADAM GREENE

Well, the announcement came two days after Christmas, but it still clanked like a lump of coal in every Atlanta Falcons fan’s stocking. Yep, much like the Grinch secretly slinking through Whoville in order to steal Christmas, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank announced Friday that he would be retaining the services of head coach Dan Quinn and general manager Thomas Dimitroff.

So let me just go ahead and congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their 2020 NFC South Championship right now and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for securing that Wild Card spot.

Quinn, by virtue of a couple of wins, wouldn’t have been on this week’s list anyway, but that doesn’t change the fact that he should have been loaded into the nearest rocket and fired into the sun. Keeping Quinn just doomed the Falcons for another season in spite of all the talent lining their roster.

Let’s hope some of the other coaches on this list won’t be so blessed with stupid ownership.

At any rate, those guys still suck. Make no mistake, but they get a week off from the rankings. I hope they enjoy it while they can.

5. JASON GARRETT, DALLAS COWBOYS

My exact prediction in last week’s FAQ was that there was no way Jason Garrett would have this team ready to play two weeks in a row, especially with a playoff spot on the line. I’d like to take credit for that prediction like I’ve got some sort of special prognostication powers, but, frankly, you could have called it from outer space.

LAST WEEK: UNRANKED
CAREER COACHING RECORD: 84-67
CHANCE OF GETTING FIRED: 90 PERCENT

4. MIKE VRABEL, TENNESSEE TITANS

It might seem unfair to continually put Vrabel on this list as his team is in prime position to secure a playoff spot with a victory. Only, here’s the deal. There’s a ton of talent on that Titans team. So much so that a few years ago the guy Vrabel replaced, Mike Mularkey (who was garbage and rightly fired) not only made it to the playoffs, but won a game. Vrabel controls his own destiny this Sunday so you know what that means, another January sitting on the coach, Titans fans.

LAST WEEK: 5
CAREER COACHING RECORD: 17-14
CHANCE OF GETTING FIRED: 10 PERCENT

3. ANTHONY LYNN, LOS ANGELES CHARGERS

When it comes to the “chance of getting fired” on Anthony Lynn’s weekly dumpster fire coaching entry, it almost seems ridiculous to put a number above zero there. I honestly do it just because he’s obviously a terrible coach and should have never been hired in the in the first place. But nobody in the Chargers organization cares. If they had any fans left at this point, they’d probably be pissed.

LAST WEEK: 3
CAREER COACHING RECORD: 26-22
CHANCE OF GETTING FIRED: 20 PERCENT

2. MATT PATRICIA, DETROIT LIONS

And here’s where things get really ugly. Last week the Lions announced that they would not be loading Patricia into the nearest porta john and setting it on fire. Instead, they would be retaining him as their head coach in 2020. It was a flabbergasting decision and the response in the Detroit media seems to be, “The Lions can’t do better than Patricia.” And if that’s the case, why even have an NFL team in the first place?

Jim Caldwell, who was terrible, coached the Lions for four years before Patricia got there, made the playoffs twice. He had just one losing season, a 7-9 campaign in 2015. Patricia in two years hasn’t even hit double digit coaching wins.

LAST WEEK: NO. 2
CAREER COACHING RECORD: 9-21
CHANCE OF GETTING FIRED: 0 PERCENT

1. FREDDIE KITCHENS, CLEVELAND BROWNS

The team is falling apart. Cleveland has to worry about actually retaining players at this point hoping everybody doesn’t start pulling an Antonio Brown minus the alleged sexual assault. Kitchens has been a disaster from Week One and not once, in the 15 weeks since, has anything shown up to change that. Jimmy Haslam needs to use some of that money he allegedly stole from truck drivers and overpay a serious coach to come in and fix this franchise. And fire John Dorsey while he’s at it.

LAST WEEK: 1
CAREER COACHING RECORD: 6-9
CHANCE OF GETTING FIRED: 50 PERCENT

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