CRAZY NFL PARLAY: WEEK 12

BY ADAM GREENE

In the storied history of the Crazy NFL Parlay, this might be our weakest entry. It’s not my fault. I’d love nothing more than to pile up a bunch of wacky moneylines here, crafting the perfect parlay in which you, gentle reader, could use to purchase a brand new bass boat.

This week it ain’t happening.

And really, it’s because the distance between the NFL “haves” and “have nots” has been amplified in such a way this season as to make predicting that monumental upset almost futile. Not only that, but we have a new tier even below the “have nots.” I call them the “have nothings” thanks to injuries, tanking and coaching hires only now truly imploding. The Jacksonville Jaguars might pay a +255 in an upset over the Cleveland Browns, but what are the chances of that happening?

And we’re talking about the Browns here, looking at their own schedule and counting a dub days before kickoff. It’s a weird year.

So while you won’t be able to use this parlay to start bidding the bidding on Ebay for that $1,200 PS5, you can use it to flesh out the rest of your Christmas list. Just make up a good excuse as to why Santa can’t get that X-Box Series X under the tree this year that doesn’t include COVID-19. Dr. Fauci has already ruined that by saying he’s immune.

Here’s what I’ve picked out for you this week:

Patriots +105

Giants at Bengals Under -108

Titans +150

Chargers at Bills Under -115

49ers at Rams Under -115

Buccaneers +165

Yeah, that’s it. That’s all I could make sense out of this week. I feel like if we toss the Falcons at +140 in here or the Bears at +345 (considering they’re starting Mitchell Trubisky), we’re just chucking our cash into the nearest wood chipper.

If you’ve read this week’s Friday Afternoon Quarterback, then you already know I like the New England Patriots to upset the Arizona Cardinals and the Tennessee Titans to take control of the AFC South with a win over the Indianapolis Colts.

It’s the other games I need to talk us into, beginning with the Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Oh, I know it’s a tall order, especially after what the Rams were able to do to Tampa Bay last week. But the Chiefs defense isn’t built that way. The Bucs will be able to run on them and, as long as Brady doesn’t try to pitch it down the field, they have the offensive talent to hang with the Chiefs. Kansas City is probably the best team in football, but this is a long trip for them and they’ve made a habit lately of playing down to their opponents. This could be a trap (though I wouldn’t blame you if you left it off your slip).

As for our unders, the Los Angeles Chargers are making a long trip themselves across the country to face one of the best defenses in the league in the Buffalo Bills. The Cincinnati Bengals are starting Brandon Allen at QB against the New York Giants, who have scored 23 or less in all but two of their games this season and the San Francisco 49ers are facing that same Los Angeles Rams defense that shut down the Bucs last week with a bunch of former Subway Sandwich artists on offense. Meanwhile their defense has a habit of keeping the Rams’ point totals low, win or lose.

A $25 bet on this parlay pays off at $2,274.34. That’s plenty enough to pile up a solid pyramid of presents under the tree to show that Santa, even if he can’t beat the Black Friday rush for a new game system, still loves your kids more than you do.

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