CRAZY NFL PARLAY: WEEK 14

BY ADAM GREENE

We have a full slate of NFL games to choose from this week so there’s no reason to let them go to waste. And while you might look at the moneylines and think, “how is he going to craft us a homemade Crazy Parlay just like gramma used to make out of this bunch?”

Oh, you’ll see.

As always, the strategy behind the Crazy Parlay isn’t just to pick the wildest upsets and biggest moneylines because that is akin to tossing your hard-earned cash into a construction site port-a-john. No, what we want to do is use our understanding of both the predictability and chaotic nature of the NFL and combine them like Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Heart to materialize the Captain Planet of all parlays, green 80s hockey mullet included. Frankly, if you aren’t rocking some sick COVID hair right now, you have wasted the opportunity to let your freak flag fly.

Here’s what I’ve submitted for your approval this week;

Bears +111

Raiders +137

Chargers +102

Washington Football Team +145

Steelers +110

Titans at Jaguars under 52.5

Cowboys at Bengals under 43

Vikings at Bucs under 53

Chiefs at Dolphins under 50.5

Jets at Seahawks under 47

Now let’s talk ourselves into it.

If you’ve read this week’s Friday Afternoon Quarterback, then you know I already like the Chicago Bears to knock off the Houston Texans in an upset and the Las Vegas Raiders to do the same against the visiting Indianapolis Colts.

For the other moneylines, I can tell you right now that I’ve already jinxed the Atlanta Falcons by picking them to win over the Los Angeles Chargers. Just from my selection alone, that Chargers moneyline might be the safest selection in all of sports. The San Francisco 49ers are fielding a junior varsity squad and could very well be looking to just wrap this season up. Washington, on the other hand, has stacked up wins and is vying for a playoff spot. While the Pittsburgh Steelers are road dogs against the Buffalo Bills, they already got their loss of the season. This could be the opportunity for them to bounce back in an emphatic way.

As for our plethora of unders, look at who we’re dealing with here. Mike Glennon will be back under center for the Jags. That Cowboys at Bengals game could end up 10-3. The Vikings do pile up the points when their run game is going, but the Bucs have one of the best run defenses in the league. That means Kirk Cousins will have to carry the load for Minnesota’s scoring. The Chiefs play down to everyone this season and haven’t covered a spread since before Halloween. The Dolphins have slowed down plenty of offenses this year.

Lastly, Pete Carroll is who he is and there’s no way he’s going to open the cupboard and show off his playbook against a Jets team his squad can beat with a Brian Schottenhiemer tied around their backs.

A $30 bet on this parlay pays $37,874.87. That’s enough cash to become one of those psycho spouses in the Lexus Holiday Sales event commercials that surprises their significant other with a bow-ensconced Lexus NX SUV. You hit this, you could do that in the real world and not expect divorce papers field against you the very next morning.

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