FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 8

BY ADAM GREENE

While I was happy to claim the victory for myself to open the week, both straight up and against the spread, the absolute chaos inflicted by the Buffalo Bills in all their games deserves some remarks. The Bills beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 24-18, Thursday night in a game that should have been over at halftime with Buffalo up 40-3.

While the plays Buffalo offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey draws up don’t seem to be the problem, the time, area of the field, and moments of the game where he chooses to call them is an issue. Multiple times, especially in the second half, Buffalo stalled out thanks to stupid play calls at midfield with the opportunity to put the game away. And in each case, facing a fourth and short, the Bills faked going for it and took a delay penalty. Every single time.

James Cook was an explosive playmaker whenever he was on the field, yet Dorsey would inexplicably toss in Latavius Murray on key downs. Cook had 14 carries for 67 yards, averaging nearly five yards per carry. Murray had five rushes for seven yards, averaging 1.4 yards per carry. So, you see why Murray had to get fed.

With no teams on byes this week and the trade deadline looming, we could be in for another wild Sunday. Here are picks with some jokes.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+1, O/U: 43.5)

The fact that the AFC South plays the NFC South this season should not go unnoticed. They are, of course, the two worst divisions in the NFL, but every year has two “worst divisions.” It’s all relative, but in this case, the Souths of both conferences are significantly and comically bad. In the NFC, it’ll be interesting to see how this game in particular affects New Orleans’ chances of getting blown out at home as the No. 4 seed in the Wild Card Round. For Indianapolis, well, they’ve already put in all their backups and simmed to the draft. Saints 23, Colts 20

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+2.5, O/U: 41)

While the Jaguars do play in one of the aforementioned “worst divisions” in the league, they’re actually a good team. They are easily the best of the eight South franchises and don’t deserve to be badmouthed with the rest of their rotten neighbors. They are, much like Trevor Lawrence’s hair after a blowout, truly special. Which is why it falls to them to save the Steelers’ future. As many of you read in my What We Learned column earlier in the week, I felt that Pittsburgh’s win over the Los Angeles Rams a week ago was an unmitigated disaster for the team. That as much as their fanbase can’t get behind it, sometimes you want your team to lose so they’ll fix the problem holding you back. In this case, it’s the NFL’s offensive chlamydia infection, Matt Canada. It’s curable, but you have to take your medicine. So, while I don’t feel great about it, I’m going with the Jags here on the road because I want what’s best for Pittsburgh. Jaguars 27, Steelers 16

HOUSTON TEXANS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (+3, O/U: 43.5)

You know, as the season began, the prospect of an 0-17 team, one so tantalizing to consider, never really came up. No one this year looked bad enough to contend for it, but, oh, how we were wrong. Carolina is historically awful and just getting worse. Their defense surrendered 42 points in back-to-back weeks and, in spite of enjoying one of the easiest schedules in the league, should not be favored in a single game. The irony of this one is Houston was our best chance, roster and coaching wise, over the last couple of seasons of getting that elusive winless season and they would always screw it up right out of the gate. But here they are, actually being coached and run competently. Oh, and let’s not forget the little sidebar that the QBs of these two teams, Bryce Young and CJ Stroud, went Nos. 1 and 2 in April’s draft. And Stroud, who is enjoying the best rookie quarterbacking season in NFL history, was the second guy taken. Texans 31, Panthers 19

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (+7, O/U: 43.5)

Last season the Eagles opened 8-0 and then Washington popped up on their schedule to hand them their first loss, just one of four counting the Super Bowl, suffered by Philly in 2022-23. Philadelphia has already taken its dumb loss for the year when they fell 20-14 to the New York Jets two weeks ago. I have a feeling that the Eagles will be more than happy to help the Commanders successfully continue their tanking plan in this one. Eagles 34, Commanders 20

LOS ANGELES RAMS AT DALLAS COWBOYS (-.6.5, O/U: 45.5)

While the Steelers win in Los Angeles was worse for that team, it didn’t help the Rams much either. LA’s “remodel” has made it competitive, but finishing has been the problem. The Rams have led in every game they’ve played, but have already lost four. From the outside, you’d look at this one as a coaching mismatch between Sean McVay and Mike McCarthy, but here’s what you need to remember. McCarthy is now calling the plays in Dallas and he’s not the worst offensive play caller in the league. He’s the second worst play caller behind the Steelers’ Matt Canada, who the Rams let orchestrate two fourth quarter scoring drives a week ago.  Yet, still, here I go. Rams 24, Cowboys 20

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (-9.5, O/U: 46.5)

Back when Tom Brady was with the Pats and they were at the peak of their evil empire, they’d take an annual trip to Miami and soil the bedsheets, regardless of who was coaching the Dolphins or playing quarterback. Now, Miami has a legitimately good head coach and quarterback. New England? Can we say that now about both, or either, guy? Dolphins 42, Patriots 16

NEW YORK JETS AT NEW YORK GIANTS (+3, O/U: 37)

After the battle of New York, nearly halfway through the season, the Jets will somehow, barring a significant, Dragon Ball Z-level power upgrade to Giants’ QB Tyrod Taylor, hold a winning record. That is in spite of losing Aaron Rodgers four plays into the season thanks to his ivermectin weakened Achilles. What? You mean you didn’t know that ivermectin tears your Achilles and think I just made that up? Well, maybe you need to do your own research. Jets 23, Giants 13

ATLANTA FALCONS AT TENNESSEE TITANS (+2.5, O/U: 35.5)

It’s the potential Desmond Ridder vs Malik Willis/Will Levis quarterback duel no one asked for. Scott Hanson famously never takes a bathroom break during his seven-hour stint hosting NFL Red Zone, but he might want to rethink that when, and if, these two teams pop up in the feed. Maybe have that extra cup of coffee Sunday morning and grab a newspaper too. Falcons 20, Titans 10

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (+1, O/U: 42)

As we see Minnesota continue to dig itself out of its 0-3 hole to start the season, it’s important to realize that all their games, wins and losses, have been within a single score. That means the Vikings are a touchdown away from being 7-0 or 0-7. While Kirk Cousins put away the “Prime Time Kirk” monicker for good last Monday with a monster win over the San Francisco 49ers, his performances in Lambeau Field over the last couple of seasons are of note. Last year the Vikes lost 41-17. In 2021, 37-10. Yes, Aaron Rodgers is gone now, huffing horse paste in New York State, but that might still show up Sunday. Packers 27, Vikings 24

CLEVELAND BROWNS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-4, O/U: 37.5)

PJ Walker will once again replace Deshaun Watson at quarterback for the Browns, and considering they’ve won his last two appaearances, nobody’s really complaining. Well, maybe a local massage therapist who’s had to block multiple Watson burner Instagram accounts during his “rehab.” Seattle is probably going to be without Kenneth Walker III in this game, as he’s not practiced this week, but that just means Pete Carroll will replace him with one of the 273 other running backs he’s drafted high since Marshawn Lynch left town. Seahawks 23, Browns 20

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT DENVER BRONCOS (+7.5, O/U: 47)

Kansas City, it seems, has actively tried to lose every game this season and, somehow, only dropped one, their first of the year. Is it a coincidence that Taylor Swift was NOT at that game? The metrics say that it’s not. Yes, they’ve Moneyballed the Travis Kelce/Taylor Swift pairing to show that her presence has positively impacted his on the field performance and the better he does, the better the team does. Is there nothing TayTay can’t do? Realizing that and hoping to turn his own season around, Sean Payton just slid into Kesha’s DMs. Chiefs 28, Broncos 24

CINCINNATI BENGALS AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-3.5, O/U: 43.5)

Brock Purdy might still be in the concussion protocol come Sunday, so this could be Sam Darnold’s official debut in the Kyle Shanahan offense. He too will have to navigate it without Deebo Samuel, who’ll miss again. For whatever reason, Samuel’s absence alone has turned Prudy back into a pumpkin. Can Sam Darnold avoid his own gourd-like transformation? As for Cincinnati, already with wins over the Arizona Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams, they can basically claim the NFC West title with a win Sunday. Bengals 27, 49ers 20

BALTIMORE RAVENS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS (+9.5, O/U: 44.5)

Here’s a fun fact — Lamar Jackson is 15-1 against NFC teams in his career. How will that balance with the possible return of Kyler Murray and a new Call of Duty Modern Warfare release that’s just two weeks away? Let’s Moneyball that one. Ravens 44, Cardinals 23

Last week

Straight up: 7-6

Against the spread: 5-8

Season

Straight up: 64-42

Against the spread: 55-51

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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