NFL POWER RANKINGS WEEK 5

BY ADAM GREENE

We officially kick off the NFL week as we always do, by arbitrarily ranking all 32 teams by criteria I have crafted out of my own imagination.

Let’s do it!

1. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-0)

Philly barely survived a team in the Washington Commanders who kind of seems to have their number. The Commanders were the first team to knock them off a season ago. Also, for all the people complaining about the “tush push” play, we had about four teams try it this week and all of them failed. It’s a real football play. It takes real football talent to run and the personnel to run it. Stop all this whining about banning and learn how to defend it when Jason Kelce and Jalen Hurts are the tushes getting pushed. Last week: No. 1

2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-0)

The Niners are atop many Power Rankings and I have no arguments against it other than, how can you drop the Eagles when they keep winning? This isn’t college football. The dubs are all that matters and these two teams will get to settle who’s No. 1 on the field soon enough. Last week: No. 2

3. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-1)

Alright, listen up poopy pants people. This is fun. This whole Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce thing is a blast and if you don’t like it, don’t watch the game. I agree that the NFL needs to chill out now and let it ride, especially since Travis Kelce specifically asked them as much in his recent podcast with his brother Jason. But back when Tom Brady and Gisele first got together, you think the camera didn’t pan to her all the time? Hell, I remember Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon being a thing you’d see her every week on an NFL broadcast. The only people I worry about this bothering is Travis and Taylor and, from what I can tell, they would like it to calm down a bit and I think the NFL will do that. As for the Chiefs, they’re still one of the most fun shows in town, with or without the biggest pop star on the planet in attendance. But I hope she’s there again Sunday. I have plenty of female Swiftie friends and they are having a blast. Save your backlash for someone who deserves it. Oh, and we’ll get to that. Trust me. Of course, it’ll come way later in the Power Rankings. Last week: No. 4

4. BUFFALO BILLS (3-1)

No team ever wants to lose, especially when it was a game in which they should have absolutely obliterated their opponent, but dropping that first contest against the New York Jets because Josh Allen sucked was obviously the best thing that could have happened for the Bills. Allen took the blame and rightly so and fixed the problem — him. They’ve won three straight in impressive fashion including blowing out a team that scored 70 points the week before. Last week: No. 7

5. MIAMI DOLPHINS (3-1)

Speaking of the team the Bills blew out, the Dolphins weren’t going undefeated and taking a loss in Buffalo isn’t the worst thing. I do feel very sorry for the New York Giants, who will be making the trip to Florida so many of their elderly residents do later in life for the same results — their utter demise. Miami will get right fast in this one. Last week: No. 3

6. DETROIT LIONS (3-1)

Are the Lions the new Kings of the North? We’re four weeks into the season and they might be the only good team in a division that looked a lot tougher in the preseason. They could clinch it by Thanksgiving at this rate. Last week:  No. 6

7. DALLAS COWBOYS (3-1)

Dallas, and their fans, can talk all they want about how great they could be, but if they can’t get past the 49ers then none of it matters. Not this week, when they play at SF, or in the playoffs where the Niners have sent them packing two years in a row. This is the measuring stick and the Cowboys have come up short every time. Last week:  No. 8

8. BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-1)

It doesn’t matter that Deshaun Watson didn’t play last week. That Ravens win over the Cleveland Browns was preordained, predicted on an ancient Sumerian tablet unearthed by an archeologist and English aristocrat back in 1827 in Euphrates delta. Last week: No. 9

9. LOS ANGELES RAMS (2-2)

The Rams move back into the Top 10 with an overtime win on the road over the suddenly plucky Indianapolis Colts. Matthew Stafford should play in their upcoming game, even after suffering a “hip contusion” last week and could this be the first week we’ll see rookie phenom Puca Nakua teamed with Cooper Kupp? Can the league take that many hard consonants catching passes together in a single game? Last week: No. 13

10 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)

Jacksonville now holds the inglorious designation of officially being 1-0 in games played in “Andy’s room” from Toy Story. Of course, we all know that Andy is long gone and in college so it’s probably the room where his mom rides the Peleton and his stepdad sneaks off to watch porn on his iPad. Last week: No. 12

11. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (3-1)

Jamal Adams barely made it a few plays before getting pulled thanks to the NFL’s concussion protocol. Now, because he got into with a neurotrauma consultant, he might get suspended. An inglorious season debut for a player acquired in one of the dumbest, most lopsided trades in NFL history. Anyway, the Seahawks won last week and continue to fool the NFL into thinking they’re a decent team. They might do it all the way to the playoffs, where they will make an immediate exit once again. Last week: No. 15

12. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-1)

We are at that point in a Baker Mayfield quarterbacked season where everyone starts to believe something good is in the works. Which is right where Baker wants them before the team faceplants right into the nearest pile of manure like Biff from Back to the Future. Last week: No. 18

13. CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-3)

Joe Burrow says the Bengals need a win over the Arizona Cardinals for “morale.” Maybe you don’t say that out loud for your own team to hear, plus the other team might be listening too. That squad does have a NFC Champion defensive coordinator as its head coach. You hate to think the season is on the line in Week 5, but that Tennessee Titans loss last week is an albatross with a millstone around its neck. Last week: No. 5

14. CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-2)

Well, a week after looking like the Deshaun Watson of old, Watson missed a game due to injury which proves one thing to me — he definitely didn’t get his regular post victory massage he enjoyed while with the Houston Texans after Week 3.  Last week: No. 10

15. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2)

Look at what happens with Anthony Richardson actually completes a full game of football on the field. Sure, the Colts didn’t win, but they never do against the Sean McVay Rams. The fact they forced the game to overtime and Richardson was a big reason why should give the team hope. Now, let’s just get that completion percentage over 60 percent. Last week: No. 16

16. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2)

With a dominating win over the Bengals, Ryan Tannehill holds off Will Levis for one week longer and gives the fans in Nashville a reason to tune their TVs to NFL football on Sundays. For now. Last week: No. 22

17. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (2-2)

In spite of Brandon Staley’s best efforts, the Chargers picked up their second victory in a row. I’m not sure if it cooled off his seat or just leveled it off to a nice rolling low boil. Last week: No. 23

18. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-2)

You know, my first thoughts on the Packers and Jordan Love were that they’d be also-rans this year and looking for a QB next offeseason. Then, the first couple of weeks of the season happened and I thought, “Hey, could I have been wrong about all this?” Perish the thought, me. I need to look deep inside and trust myself more. Last week: No. 11

19. HOUSTON TEXANS (2-2)

CJ Stroud is on pace to be the first rookie NFL quarterback in history to pass for more than 4,000 yards and he’s got the talent, and coaching around him, to do it. This could very well be a playoff team next season, especially considering that the Jaguars don’t seem to have made the NFC South leap I expected (as of this right now). Last week: No. 25

20. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (2-2)

There’s bad NFL offenses, then there’s the one offensive coordinator Matt Canada has called for the Steelers over his last 39 games in the job. Under Canada, Pittsburgh has not recorded 400 yards or more in offense even one time. In that span, no other team has fewer than four 400 yard games. Anyway, I’m feeling a lot better about that potential first losing Steelers season under Tomlin I predicted back in the preseason. Also, there’s a good chance that Kenny Pickett might not play Sunday against the Ravens, so, yes, that could be Mitchell Trubisky’s music. You can tell by the abundance of tuba blats. Last week: No. 14

21. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-2)

So, Derek Carr played last week and looked like Jameis Winston. They might as well have started Winston. I know it’s tough to sit a QB who desperately wants to play, but the Saints have a real shot at a playoff spot, and sure playoff loss (but still!). No reason to ruin it a by getting your new quarterback knocked out for the year in the first month of the campaign. Last week: No. 17

22. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (2-2)

I made the joke last week that reality hit hard for the Commanders in their blowout loss to the Bills, but they decided to completely ignore reality against the Eagles, nearly knocking off the defending NFC Champions. This week, they get a real break with a Thursday nightery against the Chicago Bears. Reality? Who needs it? Last week: No. 19

23. NEW YORK GIANTS (1-3)

Evan Neal made some hay this week quoting Game of Thrones character Tywin Lannister when he said, facing fan criticism, “Why would a lion concern himself with the opinion of sheep?” He then double doubled down with, “The person that’s commenting on my performance, what does he do? Flip hot dogs and hamburgers somewhere?” That’s great way to get human bodily substances placed into your food on purpose there, Evan. Maybe add Fight Club to the viewing list before you get to the final, terrible season of Game of Thrones. Anyway, if Neal misses a couple of games with food poisoning this year, we know why. Last week: No. 20

24. ATLANTA FALCONS (2-2)

While the Jags can claim the first victory in “Adny’s room,” that means that a certain team must officially take the first loss. You know what that means? The 50 cent bin at the next yard sale. Last week: No. 21

25. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-3)

By winning the second of their “loser leaves town” matches, does that mean the Vikings get to come back into town? Has anyone told Minneapolis? Last week: No. 28

26. DENVER BRONCOS (1-3)

After picking up their first win of the season, just barely, over the equally hapless Chicago Bears, the Broncos promptly cut edge rusher Randy Gregory so, you know, the tank is on. Sean Payton has officially waved the white flag. If you’re keeping track of the whole money side of things, that’s flushing $19 million in fully guaranteed money right down the toilet. There aren’t enough Kevin James memes to exemplify that. Last week: No. 32

27. ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-3)

The Cardinals’ brass want to tank. None of their players or coaches do and now the Cincinnati Bengals, with an injured Joe Burrow, can either help or hurt either campaign come Sunday. Last week:  No. 24

28. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-3)

What’s really funny about the Pats benching Mac Jones for Bailey Zappe is that the team outright cut Zappe in the preseason to keep this kind of quarterback controversy from happening. Then, after a week with just Jones, they figured they better bring the Zappe-ster back. Jones’ days might be numbered, which is good news for the crotches of every defensive back who will tackle him for a loss this season. Last week: No. 26

29. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (1-3)

Hey, at least Josh McDaniels has an excuse for his latest loss. Jimmy Garoppolo didn’t play. Working against him? He was playing against a Brandon Staley coached team. Last week: No. 27

30. NEW YORK JETS (1-3)

Rodney Harrison tried to call out Jets quarterback Zach Wilson as “garbage” in a postgame interview with the Chief’s Chris Jones on the Sunday Night Football after show last week. It’s funny because I’ve always thought Rodney Harrison was “garbage” so he should know. Speaking of garbage, Aaron Rodgers referred to Travis Kelce as “Mr. Phizer” in an interview with Pat McAfee this week in spite of our nation’s preeminent ivermectin spokesperson playing for a team own by the Johnson & Johnson corporation (who made their own Covid-19 vaccine). Rodgers, a man who lied about his vaccine status continually, continues to be troubled by the fact that the vaccine works and a guy like Kelce, who is vaccinated and advertises the vaccine, is not only very healthy, but dating a woman Rodgers himself apparently targeted in Taylor Swift. I guess there’s no “manifesting” that can change that. It is weird that Rodgers has no issues with “Big Pharma” when they’re signing his own paychecks or using the medicines, including anesthesia, with which he had his Achillies repaired. That including the painkillers he was on to be standing on crutches on the Jets sidelines last week. Odd how that works. Anyway, just in case any of us were fooled by the NFL Film’s masterful Hard Knocks over the offseason, Aaron Rodgers is still an awful, ridiculous and just goober of a person. Last week: No. 29

31. CHICAGO BEARS (0-4)

Matt Eberflus said that he “feels the support” of ownership after losing his 14^th consecutive game as head coach. It must feel just like Joe Pesci walking into the room thinking he was a “made man” with the two dudes behind him in Goodfellas. Last week: No. 30

32. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-4)

The Panthers took a lead into the first half and never saw it again in the second half. The fear for Bryce Young isn’t just that he could get hurt in the NFL, but that he could be ruined behind a bad offensive line, poor coaching and horrible skill players. It’s Sam Bradford’s rookie year all over again. Last week: No. 31

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

Connect with us our socials on Twitter and Instagram for the latest sports news, viral moments, betting odds and the occasional memes.