NFL Power Rankings: Week 5

NFL Power Rankings: Week 5
By Adam Greene

1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4-0)

As cupcake schedules go, the Pats’ comes with extra frosting, sprinkles and a little Care Bear toy sitting on top. Up next, the Washington Redskins. How can any deal with the Devil be this ironclad?

2. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-0)

The Chiefs have scored 28 points or more in every game this season, at home or on the road. Against the Colts, you might want to look at the over is what I’m saying.

3. LOS ANGELES RAMS (3-1)

The last time anyone in L.A. got a spanking like the one the Rams received from the Bucs last Sunday, they had to pay someone from Craigslist to do it.

4. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-1)

All is not lost with Teddy Bridgewater at QB. This is why you keep a guy like that on your roster. Unlike some of the other replacement quarterbacks down the list, I don’t feel like Teddy B can do anything to keep the job once Drew Brees is healthy.

5. DALLAS COWBOYS (3-1)

That loss to the Saints was so ugly, Jerry Jones took the gametape in for Botox.

6. GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-1)

For a league so concerned about pass interference this offseason, it’s rough to see another game ended on an uncalled penalty. If Craig James had hugged Marquez Valdes-Scantling any harder before the ball got there, he’d be brought into HR to update his sexual harassment training.

7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (3-1)

Russell Wilson is having the best four-game stretch of his career so you know that means it’s time for Seahawks offensive coordinator to call eight straight running plays up the gut and institute a continuous third down wildcat formation.

8. CHICAGO BEARS (3-1)

Like the Saints, the Bears prepared for the worst with a solid back up quarterback in Chase Daniel. Unlike the Saints, he might not be a downgrade from their starter.

9. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3-0)

The schedule has been set up for the 49ers to make an early run. Now they’ll have to earn their way for the next couple of weeks against the Cleveland Browns and Rams.

10. BUFFALO BILLS (3-1)

Sean McDermott has proved for the two and one-fourth seasons that he’s a legitimate head coach. If only the Bills could return to being a legitimate franchise.

11. DETROIT LIONS (2-1-1)

The Lions just might shock some people this season if they can keep the referees from taking all their touchdowns off the board.

12. BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-2)

Speaking of cupcakes, the Ravens already emptied their plate of delicious treats and now have to take their medicine.

13. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-2)

I’m not sure which Eagles team is going to show up in a given week, but I am sure about one thing; this team is going to cost plenty of people money.

14. HOUSTON TEXANS (2-2)

No matter how good this team could possibly be, they’ll always have Bill O’Brien as their albatross-laden anchor carved from a millstone.

15. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (2-2)

Could this be the week Melvin Gordon actually makes people not regret letting autodraft pick their fantasy teams?

16. CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-2)

The Browns are starting to look like we thought they would in the preseason and where Browns fans hoped they would from 1999 on.

17. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2)

The Titans are the AFC’s version of the Eagles and will burn through plenty a college fund before the season’s through.

18. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2)

Just imagine what this team would look like with a healthy Andrew Luck at QB. You know Frank Reich is every single day.

19. CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-2)

Kyle Allen may take Cam Newton’s job, but he won’t lay a hand on his gold-embossed Carmen Miranda fruit hat.

20. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)

It’s Kyle Allen vs Gardner Minshew Sunday in a game that, a month ago, no one would watch and now, a month later, still probably no one will watch.

21. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-2)

This week Kirk Cousins apologized to his wide receiver, Adam Theilen, for being so bad at quarterbacking the Vikings.

22. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-2)

Jameis Winston has a real chance to do something with his career with Bruce Arians calling the shots. There’s no way he can top last week’s performance, but at this point the Bucs would take 80 percent of that and keep him.

23. OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-2)

Don’t get too excited about the Raiders just yet. They’ve got the Bears, Packers, Texans and Lions coming up on the schedule so it may be another year before Jon Gruden finds a freakish way to lose in the playoffs.

24. NEW YORK GIANTS (2-2)

So are we really going with “Danny Dimes,” New York? Don’t get too pumped up over a rookie, or you’ll be looking at a new nickname for your season; “Jonestown.”

25. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-3)

I’m not sure if the Steelers saved their season with a win over the Seahawks Sunday, but they did make this week’s Ravens game look more interesting.

26. ATLANTA FALCONS (1-3)

The Dan Quinn farewell tour makes a stop in Houston Sunday.

27. DENVER BRONCOS (0-4)

I expected more out of this team and maybe they’re due. Three of their four losses have been by one score, but they’re running out of time and schedule to make anything happen.

28. ARIZONA CARDINALS (0-3-1)

I did not expect more out of this team and, frankly, I’m shocked they’ve been in any game this season.

29. CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-4)

We’ve all rightly accused the Dolphins of tanking this season, but here are the Bengals, just throwing gas on the dumpster fire with no one saying a word.

30. NEW YORK JETS (0-3)

Sam Darnold will take part in team drills, but hasn’t been cleared to play. Let’s just hope a cold sore doesn’t pop up and set him back another week.

31. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (0-4)

Jay Gruden signed a five-year, $20 million contract with the Redskins in 2014 and a two-year extension in 2017, probably on those same $4 million a year terms. He’s 35-49-1 as an NFL head coach and the only coach owner Dan Snyder has ever extended since he bought the team. What I’m saying here, ‘Skins fans, is there’s no hope.

32. MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-4)

As tank jobs go, the Dolphins are delivering one for the ages.

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