NFL POWER RANKINGS WEEK 8

BY ADAM GREENE

We’ve had some real shakeups in the Power Rankings after what might have been the dumbest weekend of NFL football in recent memory.

With six teams on a bye, the rest of the franchises made up for it with some downright insane upsets and results. We had an NCAA Division II quarterback not only start a game but win it by double digits. We had the worst offensive coordinator on Planet Earth orchestrate two fourth quarter scoring drives. We had another bracket buster in our Worst Head Coaching matchups competition.

And we’ve seen one of the consensus “best” teams in the league, suddenly look very pedestrian just because a single offensive player was out.

Now is the time when I can deliver the only punishment for such poor performances. Yes, the paddle is out and this is going on permanent records as I rank all 32 teams through arbitrary standards I just made up this morning.

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (6-1)

Yeah, yeah, the Chiefs remain at No. 1, but we need to focus on what’s really important — the fact that, since Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce made their official couple debut, his production has ramped up from 46.5 yards per game to 99.0 yards per game. She really can do no wrong. Last week: No. 1

2. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (6-1)

In what could be a potential Super Bowl LVIII preview, the Eagles absolutely destroyed a potent Miami Dolphins team, holding them to a season low of 17 points. Last week: No. 4

3. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (5-2)

Since losing two in a row, including a shocker to the Houston Texans, the Jags have reeled off four straight victories. Not only are they near the top of the Power Rankings, they’d be the No. 2 seed in the AFC if the playoffs started today. Last week: No. 6

4. MIAMI DOLPHINS (5-2)

While Miami has been impressive this season, it’s notable that their two losses have come against the only teams on their schedule with a winning record. That nugget probably won’t change this week when they host the New England Patriots and do humanity a solid favor by crushing them. Last week: No. 2

5. BALTIMORE RAVENS (5-2)

Speaking of potential Super Bowl matchups, the Ravens put on an offensive show against a legitimate Detroit Lions team with a solid defense. And here’s another fun fact for you, and bad news for the NFC Super Bowl representative if they draw Baltimore in the big game, Lamar Jackson is 15-1 as a starter when facing an NFC squad. Last week: No. 9

6. DETROIT LIONS (5-2)

Like the Dolphins, the Lions got a shot at a real opponent last week and fumbled the bag, managing just six points in a loss to the Ravens. Unlike the Dolphins, Detroit can at least claim victories over teams with winning records. Now, two of those teams are the Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but, for now at least, they still count. Well, one of them does. Last week:  No. 3

7. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (5-2)

I’m not ready to believe the Brock Purdy glass slipper is completely cracked, but it’s a bad sign that when all of his All Pro players aren’t on the field, he’s looking pretty mediocre. Now, you could blame some of it last week on an undiagnosed concussion that apparently showed up on the plane home from Minnesota. This week, we’ll get to see what the Niners offense looks like with Sam Darnold running the show. Last week: No. 5

8. DALLAS COWBOYS (4-2)

The Cowboys got a bye last week after Mike McCarthy outdueled Brandon Staley in a battle of two of the worst head coaches in the league. I would say that McCarthy got to spend the week off smugly enjoying the smell of his own farts, but I’m relatively sure McCarthy’s flatulence when inhaled immediately knocks out all the victims in the affected area. Last week:  No. 7

9. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (5-2)

Last Sunday’s game against the Los Angeles Rams was a complete disaster. No, there were no season ending injuries and the Steelers actually won it. That’s where it all went wrong. Do you want to keep Matt Canada employed, Pittsburgh fans? Because that’s how you do it. Last week: No. 20

10. CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-2)

Deshaun Watson gave it a go last week but had to hit the tent again after taking a hit against the Indianapolis Colts. PJ Walker came out of the bullpen to push the Browns to a 39-38 victory over a team also starting their backup QB. Head coach Kevin Stefanski says that Watson will miss this week’s contest with the Seattle Seahawks to “focus on his rehab.” Which is a good reminder to make sure you’ve blocked him on your Instagram DMs, Cleveland area masseuses. Last week: No. 12

11. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-4)

Minnesota has won three of its last four to save their season and fell just a single score short of the Kansas City Chiefs from making it four in a row. Along the way Kirk Cousins might have buried the “Prime Time Kirk” criticism for good, especially after a monster win over the 49ers and his young doppelganger, Brock Purdy, last week. Last week: No. 23

12. ATLANTA FALCONS (4-3)

Every year there are contenders and pretenders and, considering some team has to win the NFC South, sometimes a squad can be both. Atlanta has taken control of the division by a game thanks to knocking off the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they lost every single game coming up on their schedule. Last week: No. 22

13. BUFFALO BILLS (4-3)

The Bills not only let America down last week, but maybe all of human civilization, losing to the New England Patriots in Foxboro in the most predictable “upset” of the season. Last week: No. 7

14. LOS ANGELES RAMS (3-4)

You can blame a bad spot on the Steelers’ fourth down conversion attempt for the loss, Rams, but you gave up two long scoring drives to the worst offensive coordinator on the planet and probably the worst in NFL history last Sunday. LA deserved to lose. All they can do to fix it is beat the Cowboys in Dallas Sunday. Last week: No. 10

15. NEW YORK JETS (3-3)

I’ve not paid attention since the Jets had the bye. Who did Aaron Rodgers challenge to a debate this week? Neil Degrasse Tyson and George Kittle? Michio Kaku and Tyler Higbee?  Last week: No. 12

16. CINCINNATI BENGALS (3-3)

Already with wins over the Rams, Seattle Seahawks and Arizona Cardinals, the Bengals can pretty much claim the NFC West title this week when they face off against the Sam Darnold-led 49ers. Last week: No. 13

17. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-2)

Frank Clark was cut loose by the Denver Broncos at the right time. After losing Uchenna Nwosu for the season, Seattle decided to reunite with their former leading pass rusher. Last week: No. 18

18. HOUSTON TEXANS (3-3)

This might be the highest the Texans have been in the Power Rankings since 2019. Even weirder, they’re road favorites this week. When’s the last time that happened? Last week: No. 14

19. NEW YORK GIANTS (2-5)

Is it a bad sign that Tyrod Taylor doesn’t look like a drop off from the Giants’ franchise quarterback Daniel Jones? Jones’ contract might turn out to be an albatross strapped to a millstone for this team. Last week: No. 27

20. CHICAGO BEARS (2-5)

Speaking of terrible head coach battles, Matt Eberflus knocked out Josh McDaniels of the Las Vegas Raiders last week starting a rookie former NCAA Division II quarterback. You’d really love to give Eberflus the credit here, but any win over a McDaniels coached team comes with an asterisk. Last week: No. 28

21. DENVER BRONCOS (2-5)

Hey look, it only took Sean Payton seven weeks to pick up his second head coaching victory in two years Fun fact — last season, heading into Week 8, the Nathaniel Hackett led Broncos were (checks notes) 2-5. So, bang up job you’re doing there, Sean. Last week: No. 29

22. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-4)

It’s disappointing to lose a young rookie quarterback who looked like a budding star, but take heart, Indianapolis. The last time that happened, the Bengals selected Ja’Marr Chase and made it to the Super Bowl. A top three pick and landing Marvin Harrison, Jr. to play for his dad’s old team doesn’t sound like the worst outcome to me. Last week: No. 17

23. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (3-4)

After a disastrous 2-0 start, the Commanders season tank seems back on track. They lost to the hapless Giants last week and should get absolutely obliterated by the Eagles Sunday. Last week: No. 15

24. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (3-4)

Leave it to Josh McDaniels to one-up himself whenever he can. After suffering two of the most embarrassing losses as a head coach last year, falling to Jeff Saturday in his first game as an NFL head coach of the Indianapolis Colts and the Baker Mayfield led Rams after Mayfield literally practiced once with the team, McDaniels struck again. This time it was losing to the Bears who were starting a rookie quarterback from an NCAA Division II school, Tyson Bagent. And it was a 30-12 blowout. Last week: No. 16

25. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-3)

Speaking of Baker Mayfield, the Bucs lost a tight one last week that could knock them from the playoffs down the road. Which really just saves them the trouble of losing to the fifth seed in the NFC Wild Card round come late January. Last week: No. 19

26. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-4)

Speaking of lackluster NFC South teams, the New Orleans Saints. That’s it. That’s the joke. Last week: No. 21

27. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2-5)

The sad part about the Pats beating the Bills last week is that was such an obvious upset that it could be seen from the International Space Station. It was a sad day for our country. But I firmly believe the Dolphins will make it up to us Sunday. Last week: No. 31

28. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-4)

It might finally be time for Tennessee to break the seal on Will Levis with Ryan Tannehill expected to be out again. You have my sincerest sympathies, Titans fans. Last week: No. 20

29. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (2-4)

Brandon Staley’s seat is so hot that Aaron Rodgers is already mad it’s dating someone else. In another battle of the league’s worst head coaches, Staley will face off with Matt Eberflus in SoFi this week. Last week: No. 25

30. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-4)

It’s important to note that Aaron Rodgers in his first year as a starter in Green Bay finished with a losing record. Also, it so happens that in Rodgers’ last season with the Pack he finished with a losing record. Anyway, I’m not writing off Jordan Love because of a 2-4 start. I already wrote him off when the Packers drafted him. Last week: No. 26

31. ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-6)

Kyler Murray was a full participant in Cardinals’ practice this week. You might think that will screw up Arizona’s plan to tank, but I’ll remind you that Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 comes out on Nov. 8. So, ease that troubled mind. Last week:  No. 31

32. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-6)

All the Panthers have accomplished so far by trading up in April’s draft to select Bryce Young is maybe ruin Bryce Young. With no first-round pick next year, and probably a No. 1 overall pick at that, there’s no help coming. Owner David Tepper better be prepared to open up the checkbook and overpay for some free agents next year. This one is already over. Last week: No. 32

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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