Well, Louisiana Must Be Completely Crime Free

BY ADAM GREENE

If you live in New Orleans or Baton Rouge or Shreveport or Lake Charles, I have terrific news. There’s no more crime in Louisiana. None at all. No one, anywhere is doing anything illegal or violent. How else could you explain why the New Orleans police department issued an arrest warrant for Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. after he playfully slapped a security guard in the ass while LSU was celebrating after their national championship victory over Clemson?

So, you know, great for Louisiana. You have no problems. Everything must be solved. Otherwise why in the world would local law enforcement waste even one second of time, one dot of printer ink and one second of a court’s time processing an arrest warrant for something so innocuous?

Oh, the security guard was embarrassed by the incident? Really, a security guard? Paul Blart suddenly discovered he has dignity and self respect? Where were these feelings when he pursued this career in the first place?

Of course, that’s not the only thing Beckham did that got attention after the game. He apparently handed out cash money to players in celebration of their victory, a blatant NCAA violation and one which, I can’t stress enough, I do not care anything about.

And neither should you. And I guess the NCAA can, but you know, why?

It happened. The university and coaching staff obviously wasn’t involved and my guess is every guy that took a wad of cash from Beckham is heading for the NFL draft anyway. As quarterback Joe Burrow said, because he too is about to cash a huge check come April, “I’m not a student-athlete anymore, so I can say yeah (Beckham gave them cash).”

But here’s where that story gets especially stupid. LSU tried to claim that OBJ wasn’t handing out real money, but “novelty bills.” As in fake.

Of course, that was before the video got out.

What will the NCAA do? I mean, obviously it should be nothing. If a player took the cash in the moment and isn’t heading for the draft, then he should probably give it back. If a player took the cash and isn’t returning to school, which would be most if not all of them, then what really happened here?

But back to the ass spanking and the apparent “crime of the century” for which Beckham could be legitimately arrested for. Let me ask you, gentle reader, would Burrow be arrested for spanking that same security guard?

What about Brett Favre? You mean to tell me he never once laid hand on the gelatinous buttock of a nearby security person?

And, hey, I’m not trying to pull the racism card here even though I’m a liberal and love nothing more than to do just that.

Johnny Manziel would get an arrest warrant for the same behavior, as would Rob Gronkowski. Russell Wilson could spank every ass that walked by him and nothing would have happen. Todd Gurley? No warrant. Richie Incognito? Tazed multiple times, choked out and arrested on the spot. You see what I’m saying.

It’s all about the perception of that player as a person. People think Beckham is an asshole. If they didn’t, everybody would have laughed and rolled on.

But still, with every other problem in the world right now and, you know, New Orleans is not exactly a squeaky clean place, maybe we let this one go.

As of this writing Odell Beckham Jr. is still at large and is considered palmed and dangerous.

Get the latest NFL football odds and information–follow BetOnline.ag on Twitter!

BetOnline.ag on Instagram–Follow for the latest odds, stats and information!