TRUMP INDICTMENT ODDS

BY ADAM GREENE

I try to keep politics out of my sports writing as best I can. Sometimes it’s impossible and I don’t get to decide when those moments happen. I feel that some things shouldn’t be seen as political, but just accepted as universal truths. I think that an athlete or anyone for that matter has the right to protest racial injustice and unfair treatment by law enforcement. I don’t feel that protecting our society from a pandemic or terrorism, promoting vaccinates and good health practices is not only smart, but required and should never be seen as “political.”

But everyone else apparently decided that they are.

Every now and then, you just can’t avoid it. Especially when you can support the legal punishment of a seditious, terrorist insurrectionist and traitor to the United States who you’ve voted against twice and feel is the closest we’ve come in real life to having the actual Biblical AntiChrist walk amongst us, even to the point of requiring his slack jawed death cult followers to wear his “mark” or “MAGA” on their foreheads.

See? This is why I try to keep all this stuff to myself. Or, you know, my Twitter if you follow there. And please do.

Thanks to the Donald Trump Indictment Odds not only can we finally get some justice over his attempted coup to install himself as an unelected fascist dictator in league with a crack smoking pillow salesman and a lawyer who got her “rigged election” information from a psychic who learned of the nefarious democrat plot to steal the 2020 election while traveling in the spirt realm as a headless ghost, we can actually make money while we save the republic. We call that one a “two-for.”

Now, I have no doubt that it’s easier to believe Donald Trump didn’t lose the 2020 election, where he was soundly defeated in a landslide by Joe Biden in both the Electoral College and Popular Vote, if you are a ghost and have no head. If you currently have a head with a brain rattling around inside it, that’s where our current problem lies.

Trump will surrender Thursday in Atlanta, Ga. for his fourth indictment of the year for attempting to overthrow the United States of America or stealing and hoarding national security and nuclear weapon documents and storing him next to his well-used toilet. While justice has been achingly slow to reach Trump’s KFC smeared face, it’s happening. And we have some odds to peruse about what we can expect when it does.

GEORGIA: TO SMILE OR SMIRK IN OFFICIAL MUGSHOT

No Smile/Smirk: -500

Smiling/Smirking: +300

Now, Trump can act like he’s “proud” to be arrested Thursday to show how “RIGGED AND STOLLEN” the 2020 election was, but that’s just another stupid lie coming out of his very stupid, lumpy face. The fact that no one, in his orbit (and he’s got to have a solid gravitational pull as we’ll discuss in our next segment), has informed the “stable genius” that “Stollen” is a type of nutty, raisin-y baked bread and the word he wants to use, but hasn’t repeatedly, is “stolen” should tell you everything about the kind of brain trust surrounding the four-time indicted day player from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Yes, the most legally imperiled WWE Hall of Famer in that hallowed hall’s history literally writes “stollen” every time he posts on Truth Social and not a single person working for him has given him the whole “man, woman, person, camera, tv, ‘stolen’ has one ‘L’ in it” cognitive test to stop him.

There’s this idea in MAGA-land that Trump is playing some kind of 4-D chess and he’ll be more than happy to smugly smirk while getting his mugshot (if he gets one. I’d really hate to miss out on that, as this one particular “expert’ says we might). I don’t believe that for a second. No, Trump will be frowning, sad and disheveled, stewing in a very full and bulbous pair of XXL Depends as his mugshot is taken much to the enjoyment of our civilization, minus his wingnut cult followers. I cannot wait to see it.

The bet: No Smile/Smirk (-500)

GEORGIA: TRUMP’S WEIGHT AT ARREST/SURRENDER

Under 278.5 pounds: -145

Over 278.5 pounds: +105

I really wished someone would have discussed this over/under with me before coming up with it, because I live in East Tennessee and I’m on dating apps. As a person currently inhabiting the southeastern United States, deep in MAGA controlled country, I encounter a lot of obese people in my time and I’m here to tell you, this O/U is WAY TOO LOW.

It all comes from an outright lie from White House doctor and now MAGA dipdog congressman Ronny Jackson, who fibbed out of his Oxycontin hole that Trump, after his presidential physical, was “6-3 and 239 pounds.” To put that outright falsehood into perspective, former Carolina Panthers linebacker Luke Keuchley, when he was playing, was 6-3 and 238 pounds. Kam Chancellor, Super Bowl winning safety for the Seattle Seahawks, was 6-3 and 232 pounds when he played. Mike Trout is 6-2 and 235. Tim Tebow? 6-3 and 245.

There is no way that Trump is not over three bills. None. This is the easiest money you will ever make on a wager and I would literally bet my house on it. Donald Trump is closer to 378 than he is 278.

The bet: Over 278.5 pounds (+105)

GEORGIA SURRENDER/ARREST: COLOR SKIN TONE MUG SHOT

Marma-Lago Orange: +500

Geriatric Ginger: +600

Presidential Pumpkin: +600

Ballot-Rigged Bronze: +700

Twitter Tan: +800

MAGA Mango: +800

Commander-In-Cheeto Orange: +1000

Impeachment Peach: +1000

Majority Mandarin: +1000

Partisan Persimmon: +1200

Sequestered Squash Orange: +1000

Terrorist Tangerine: +1200

Russian Rust: +1400

Oompa Loompa Orange: +1400

Stolen Saffron: +1600

Golf Course Gold: +1600

First off, you’ve got to toss everything that isn’t “orange” off your list. This person who wears make up and high heels like a super masculine manly man would never set foot out of his golf club without orange mud slathered across his brow, T-zone and ample jowls.

Our serious contenders? Marma-Lago Orange (+500), Presidential Pumpkin (+600), MAGA Mango (+800) and Commander-in-Cheeto Orange (+1000). Terrorist Tangerine (+1200) and Russian Rust (+1400) are my two personal favorites, but I don’t see either of those happening. As for the others, you have to consider the time of the year and our closest coffee shop menus. Ultimately, it’ll be the headline writers that decide this, and considering we’re close to fall, I’m thinking we lean into that. I’m feeling this one.

The bet: Presidential Pumpkin +600

GEORGIA SURRENDER/ARREST: PRIMARY COLOR OF TIE

Red: -225

No tie: +425

Black: +800

Blue: +900

Any other: +1200

Yellow: +2000

Green: +2500

While the news media might get to determine the winner of the “orange face” bet, we’ll get to see the results of this one with our own eyes. Trump is famous for wearing his ties in the most ridiculous way possible, with them extended long past his bulbous belly to dangle somewhere around where his crotch would be if he were a normal human. He used to sell ties (made in China, by the way), and usually wears one in public. I feel that most of the time, he goes with one “serious” color to wrap around his neck and let dangle between his bulbous thighs and the bookmakers agree.

The bet: Red -225

GEORGIA SURRENDER/ARREST: TO WEAR A MAGA HAT

Yes: +1600

No: N/A

I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to wear a hat at all inside a courtroom and Trump won’t muss his immaculately hair sprayed combover before his potential mugshot. Because of that, there’s no bet to make here. Now, Trump may don one later when he gives an incriminating press conference violating every gag order required in his own trial under law, but that probably won’t count.

The bet: N/A

2020 ELECTION/JAN. 6^TH – NUMBER OF GUILTY COUNTS

4: -500

0: +575

Between 1-3: +575

Now we get to the meat of our current constitutional crisis. Trump is undoubtedly guilty of everything he’s been accused. Many of his seditious treasonous acts were performed live on television. Others, he has sworn affidavits claiming he no longer held any United States classified documents while they were piled, ceiling high, next to his favorite crapper and bidet. Still others he freely confesses to every single time a microphone is placed anywhere near his gaping, quivering facial cloaca or he posts with his chubby hotdog fingers on Truth Social.

Because of that, there’s only one smart bet to make here. But that doesn’t mean Donald Trump is the only person who can haul in money from his mouth breathing seditious fanbase. So go ahead and bet on “0” MAGA heads. You might as well throw your money away betting instead of wasting it on Donald Trump’s legal defense. He’s supposed to be a billionaire after all.

The bet: 4 (-500)

TO BE RAMANDED IN CUSTODY PRE-TRIAL DURING 2023

No: -400

Yes: +250

Here is where our “two-tiered” justice system becomes insanely frustrating. For any normal human being who was accused of that which Donald Trump is unquestionably guilty, they would be sitting in jail right now. Their trial would have probably already happened as well. The fact that Trump still brazenly walks the earth, continually threatening law enforcement, prosecutors, witnesses, public figures and American citizens who had the misfortune of answering a grand jury call, is maddening. It’s just the way it is but I’m still pretty furious about it.

The bet: No (-400)

GEORGIA: NUMBER OF GUILTY COUNTS

11-13: -200

0-2: +300

3-10: +300

Again, we saw a lot of this happen live on television. There’s audio confessions. At this point, more witnesses that I could probably count on two hands.

The bet: 11-13 (-200)

HUSH MONEY/STORMY DANIELS: NUMBER OF GUILTY COUNTS

25 or More: -250

Under 5: +200

Between 5-24: +300

We’re looking again at something we know to be true. There’s a signed agreement. A signed check. The lawyer that did it is testifying against Trump.

The bet: 25 or more (-200)

TRUMP CLEARED ON FIRST 4 INDICTMENTS BEFORE 2025

No: -1000

Yes: +2000

TRUMP TO BE CONVICTED AND SERVE JAIL TIME BEFORE 2025

No: -350

Yes: +2000

TRUMP TO CUT A PLEA DEAL WITH STATE/FEDERAL PROSECUTORS

No: -225

Yes: +160

TRUMP TO BE CONVICTED AND SERVE JAIL TIME BEFORE 2026

No: -180

Yes: +140

Now we get to the really frustrating part of this for me and those, like me, who feel that the law should apply equally to everyone. Trump is guilty. He’s admitted his guilt multiple times and, again, performed a lot of this live on TV. We all watched that happen in real time.

We, meaning a good 65-75 percent of the United States citizenry, would like to see him punished for these seditious and traitorous acts as we would be if we committed them. None of us believe that will happen simply because, as I mentioned earlier, it’s not happened yet. If we had done these same things, committed the same crimes, we’d already be in prison. Just look at all the numb nuts who charged the US Capitol at Trump’s urging and in his holy name on Jan. 6 already in orange jumpsuits.

Trump will be convicted on all four indictments. That’s certain. He’ll also appeal, if he can, and probably walk free for an infuriatingly long time thanks to the funds he continually raises from the devoted sheep-like followers.

The bets:

No (-1000) on Trump being cleared on all 4 indictments

No (-350) Trump to be convicted and serve jail time before 2025

No (-225) Trump to cut a plea deal with state/federal prosecutors

Yes (+140) Trump to be convicted and serve jail time before 2026

It’s got to happen at some point.

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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