BAD BEATS:NFL WEEK TWO

BY ADAM GREENE

Normally, a Bad Beat just leaps out at you. While we had plenty of games come down to the wire Sunday, that in itself doesn’t make a Bad Beat. No, a Bad Beat must come out of nowhere, it must take money from you that you’ve already counted, deposited and spent on something fun and frivolous. Because of that, there’s usually no more than one per week.

But Week Two of the 2020 NFL season was no normal week.

The league was decimated by injuries, with star players going down pretty much every few minutes. The Denver Broncos, already the recipient of God’s wrath in the preseason, were smited heavily again as they lost starting quarterback Drew Lock for maybe a month and wide receiver Courtland Sutton for the year.

The San Francisco 49ers were able to bounce back from a season opening loss to the Arizona Cardinals with a road victory over the New York Jets that cost them no less than four starters, including their quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo, and arguably the best player on their team, edge rusher Nick Bosa.

It was a league-wide bloodbath. Tyrod Taylor’s own heart turned against him before he even took the field against the Kansas City Chiefs. Luckily, reports are he’s OK.

Since Week Two was determined to blow everything up, it gave us not one, not two, but four Bad Beats. Picking a “worst” was a difficult task, as Buffalo Bills 31, Miami Dolphins 28; Tennessee Titans 33, Jacksonville Jaguars 30 and Chicago Bears 17, New York Giants 13 all made a case to be included.

Ultimately, one game rose to the fore, tore up its betting ticket into my face and made it clear that it would get its due as the worst Beat Beat of a very Bad Week. 

I present to you Pittsburgh Steelers 26, Denver Broncos 21.

We’ve already discussed the Broncos and their myriad of injury woes, so this game should not have been a game at all. It was in Pittsburgh, not Mile High where everyone needs to breath through an astronaut helmet and there was no fan noise to speak of. The Steelers were favored at -7.5 and with 10 minutes left in the game were up 26-14 after just recording a safety.

Few plays are more demoralizing than getting taken down in your own end zone for a jump shot, and the Broncos, fielding their back up QB and minus their best wide receiver, should have just laid down for a nap and hit the Madden sim for the rest of the day.

But don’t you tell that to Jeff Driskel. Not on his watch. Pittsburgh fumbled the ensuing kick off and Denver was back in business. Jeff “Moneymaker” Driskel was on fire, carving up the Steelers defense for the next 54 yards before he tossed a 16-yard touchdown pass to running back Melvin Gordon. The Steelers’ lead was now down to five and you were suddenly sweating.

You were feeling good. Counting your cash, planning that post COVID-19 vaccine whale watching cruise for the family once US passports work again. The Broncos came into this game already on the short end of the injury stick and the Steelers had spent the first three quarters beating them to death with it. Now, not only was Pittsburgh not covering, they had no incentive to cover. They were up by five with a little under eight minutes to go.

But all you needed was a field goal and there was plenty of time for that. As much as Pittsburgh wanted to run the clock out, with that much time on the board, they couldn’t count on keeping the ball away from the Broncos. They’d still play for points, get some breathing room. And along the way, make sure your wife and kids can see those humpbacks crest amongst the icebergs before global warming turns Alaska into Florida swampland.

The Steelers heard your call for help and promptly went three-and out, punting the ball back to Driskel, who I’m pretty sure had switched brains with John Elway at halftime via some kind of Freaky Friday/Vice Versa witch’s curse.

Elway, driving Driskel’s body, immediately put forth an 11-play, 56-yard drive down to the Steelers 15. At this point, it didn’t matter what happened.  The second Driskel and the Broncos crossed the 50, your money was gone. All that could save you and your kids’ last chance to see cetaceans in the arctic wilds while they both simultaneously exist was a pick six or fumble return. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not with Elway running Driske’s arm.

Pittsburgh held on. As is often the case in a witch’s cursed body swap scenario, Driskel and Elway’s minds switched back and exactly the wrong time and the backup QB was dropped for an 11-yard sack on fourth down with 1:51 to go.

He held onto the ball as he went down. And your money too.

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