CRAZY NFL PARLAY: WEEK 13

BY ADAM GREENE

I had a little column overlap last week, as my own parlay play turned into a bad beat when my final game, a Los Angeles Rams moneyline pick over the San Francisco 49ers, fell short by a field goal. It was the last game in a tower of hope that turned into Buddy the Elf’s throne of lies just in time for the Holidays.

So I know hurt. I know pain. But I also know the best remedy is to get right back on that horse, grab the reins and do you best not to get bucked again as you trot on down Christmas lane in a search for cash. I mean, 2020 has to pay off for us sometime, right.

As I do every week when I handcraft an artisanal crazy parlay for you, I’m actually trying to hit it. There’s no point, even with the miniscule amounts of money we’re risking, to just toss it all into the woodchipper. No, we want to use our football knowledge and the NFL’s own innate chaotic nature to put a string of outcomes together that turns the price of a couple of Starbucks Venti mocha frappucinos into a 2021 Honday CB500x 471cc twin-cylinder Adventure motorcycle that we can use to travel the vast, uninhabited wastelands of America, cleared of all human civilization  because millions of morons wouldn’t wear a mask and avoid their families on Thanksgiving.

Here’s what I brought you this week:

Lions +145

Texans +141

Falcons +130

Patriots +105

Rams -3 at +108

Bengals at Dolphins under 42

Jaguars at Vikings under 51

Giants at Seahawks under 47.5

Since our spreads are tight and the books have this NFL field pretty figured out, we’ve had to toss a lot into the pile this week. But I feel good about it and so should you.

If you’ve already checked out this week’s Friday Afternoon Quarterback, then you know these moneylines are gold to me. I love all of them. I’ve already picked the Detroit Lions to upset the Chicago Bears as they celebrate their liberation from head coach Matt Patricia’s incompetence. I like the Atlanta Falcons’ newly discovered offense to overcome the lack of offense for the New Orleans Saints with QB Taysom Hill. I’ve guessed that the Houston Texans will mess up the Indianapolis Colts’ playoff positioning at home and the New England Patriots will remain alive in the postseason hunt with a road victory over the Los Angels Chargers

The LA Rams are favored over the Arizona Cardinals, but their 3-point spread pays at plus money and a gift like that should be maximized and monetized.

It’s the unders where we have to do some convincing, but I’ve got some hard data to back my picks up. In their last two games, the Bengals have scored 10 and nine points. The Dolphins have scored 13 and 20 in that same span. Sure, there’s a chance that Brandon Allen vs Ryan Fitzpatrick will become an epic quarterback duel worthy of its own Last Dance documentary years from now, but I say we take our chances.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are going with Mike Glennon again against the Minnesota Vikings and to see Glennon being involved in a game with a combined 52 point total might be all it takes to end the world.

While the Seattle Seahawks can put up points, the New York Giants aren’t exactly a scoring machine, in spite of winning three straight games. This looks like an ugly, low scoring game to me and you might as well get paid to watch it.

A $15 bet on this parlay pays $6,053.53 and you can tour the open roads of Post-COVID-19 America in your adventure motorcycle, enjoying the lack of traffic. You’ll think, “Where did all the idiots go that used to pile up on the interstate around here?” Then you’ll remember seeing news reports of people crowding into airports to go eat dry turkey and kill their grandparents and it’ll get weird.

Follow our BetOnline Twitter account for the latest sports news and betting odds, and stay tuned on the Instagram feed for more good information too.