Friday Afternoon Quarterback: NFL Week 5

We’ve had back-to-back good Thursday night games, which can only mean one of two things; the apocalypse is upon us and the fifth seal broken or NFL teams are finally starting to figure out this whole “how to play football in 2019” thing. It usually takes about a month.

If there’s good news for the Rams in the loss, it’s that Jared Goff finally looked loose and ready to play, as did Todd Gurley. Greg Zuerlein missed a 44-yard field goal he’ll hit 95 percent of the time, and, frankly they should have won a game that saw Russell Wilson playing out of his mind at home. There’s no reason to believe these two teams won’t play two more times this year. Plus, if you grabbed the Rams at +1.5 as I did, you were good whether Legatron made the kick or not.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 5
BY ADAM GREENE

We’ve got to put all that behind us now. It’s time for picks and shenanigans.

BYES: DETROIT LIONS AND MIAMI DOLPHINS

BALTIMORE RAVENS AT PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3.5, O/U: 44)

I’m not fooled into believing anything good will happen in Pittsburgh, even after a solid-enough looking win last week. But if the Steelers do somehow get this victory, that Ravens bandwagon will empty faster than Boris Johnson can clear out a men’s room. RAVENS 17, STEELERS 13

CHICAGO BEARS AT OAKLAND RAIDERS (+5, O/U: 40.5)

I’m not sure who should be more insulted by this line; the Raiders or Bears starting quarterback and former first round pick Mitchell Trubisky, who won’t be playing. RAIDERS 20, BEARS 10

ARIZONA CARDINALS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3, O/U: 47.5)

You’ve got to hand it to the Bengals. While everybody was distracted by the Miami Dolphins trading away their players to openly tank the season, Cincy just kept its roster intact, knowing they would tank just as thoroughly. The Cardinals will screw it up for a week. BENGALS 20, CARDINALS 17

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5, O/U: 40)

I expect this to be another classic Gardner Minshew vs Kyle Allen quarterback duel for the ages. JAGUARS 23, PANTHERS 20

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT NEW YORK GIANTS (+5.5, O/U: 43.5)

The Giants were going to lose this game, but with Saquon Barkley already ruled out, you’ll get to lose your fantasy football match up too. VIKINGS 34, GIANTS 16

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+15, O/U: 42)

I normally don’t like these giant lines, but it’s the Patriots and Redskins. No worries, here. PATRIOTS 38, REDSKINS 6

NEW YORK JETS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-14.5, O/U: 43.5)

Sam Darnold is still out with the middle school version of herpes so the Jets will have to trot out future Subway sandwich artist or Fudrucker’s grillmaster Luke Falk once again. I don’t expect good things. EAGLES 35, JETS 10

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3, 45.5)

I have a bad feeling that the Bucs used up all the good Jameis Winston against the Rams and all they’ll have the rest of the way is regular Jameis Winston. Start the Saints defense on fantasy, is what I’m saying. The picks are coming in bunches. SAINTS 24, BUCCANEERS 16

ATLANTA FALCONS AT HOUSTON TEXANS (-5, O/U: 50)

Bill O’Brien vs. Dan Quinn. In the great coaching chess matches of our time, this is more like a game of Mario Kart where both guys keep running into their own banana peels. TEXANS 24, FALCONS 17

DENVER BRONCOS AT LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-6.5, O/U: 44.5)

When I’ve finally given up on the Broncos and Joe Flacco, this is where they’ll burn me and turn it on for a playoff run. Let’s get this over with. CHARGERS 20, BRONCOS 17

GREEN BAY PACKERS AT DALLAS COWBOYS (-3.5, O/U: 46.5)

Here’s the problem with the Packers. They keep turning these wide receivers I’ve never heard of into fantasy stars and, frankly, I’m annoyed I have to look up how to spell Marquez Valdes-Scantling all the time. This is Troy Polamalu and Ndamukong Suh all over again for me. COWBOYS 23, PACKERS 20

SUNDAY NIGHT

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-11, O/U: 56)

Like the Ravens, we all got excited about the hot start for the Colts, but then the good teams started showing up in their schedule and reality came in, punched them out and stole their rug that really tied the room together. CHIEFS 40, COLTS 21

MONDAY NIGHT

CLEVELAND BROWNS AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-4, O/U: 46)

The 49ers opened the season on the bunny slope, going 3-0 against teams that, at the time, had all of one victory between them. It seems almost crazy to type it out after the last decade, but the Browns are a considerable step up in competition. BROWNS 27, 49ERS 24

This week:
Straight up: 0-1
Against the spread: 1-0

Last week:
Straight up: 7-8
Against the spread: 8-7

Season
Straight up: 38-25
Against the spread: 29-34

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