Turkey Day Primer: NFL Week 13

BY ADAM GREENE

You won’t need a belly full of turkey to fall asleep Thanksgiving afternoon. The NFL has blessed us with what must be the worst set of Turkey Day games in all of history, rendering the tryptophan working its way through your system superfluous at best. The running thread in all three contests is that each features a coach that is in serious danger of being loaded into the trebouchet and fired over the castle walls at season’s end.

CHICAGO BEARS AT DETROIT LIONS (+4, O/U: 37)

Consider Matt Patricia. Now, you could argue that the New England Patriots defense is way better since he left to take over as head coach of the Detroit Lions and it’s an argument you would easily win.

After getting embarrassed by a back up quarterback and Doug Pederson in Super Bowl LII, Patricia shouldn’t have gotten this job in the first place. But if there’s one thing the Lions know how to do, it’s pursue and land a horrible coach.

Look at this list of future Hall of Fame jacket sewers:

PATRICIA: 9-17 HEADING INTO THURSDAY

JIM CALDWELL: 36-28

JIM SCHWARTZ: 29-51

ROD MARINELLI: 10-38 (AND WENT 0-16 IN 2008)

DICK JAURON: 1-4

STEVE MARIUCCI: 15-28

MARTY MORNHINWEG: 15-28

GARY MOELLER: 4-3

BOBBY ROSS: 27-30

WAYNE FONTES: 66-67

You’ll notice that, at no time was any man fired by Detroit where he ever worked as a head coach in the NFL again. In fact, most of these guys fell off the planet. To be fair, I think Mariucci was a good coach that was in a bad situatios. That situation, of course, was coaching the Lions.

The craziest part of these records is Caldwell, arguably one of the worst and luckiest coaches in NFL history. He coached Peyton Manning in Indianapolis and got Matthew Stafford in his prime. Stafford became famous, under Caldwell, for his fourth-quarter comebacks. But, you know, the reason you have to hand the keys to your QB in the fourth quarter for a comeback is because you’re losing the game.

Stafford’s career has been absolutely wasted. He and Philip Rivers should team up and file a class-action suit against the NFL for what they’ve been forced to endure. Luckily for Stafford, at least, he won’t be playing in this game as Patricia has nearly gotten him killed this season. That honor goes to… looks at notes… I have no idea. Jeff Driskel is questionable. David Blough, who I didn’t even know existed before today, will probably get the nod.

So jump on this one now. BEARS 20, LIONS 3

BUFFALO BILLS AT DALLAS COWBOYS (-7, O/U: 47)

It looks like Jerry Jones has finally had it with the Jason Garrett show. Garrett, for his part, seems just as done as he’s forgone his usual mode of winning just enough in November and December to sneak into the playoffs and keep his job.

Against the Patriots, deep in New England territory and down a touchdown, Garrett elected to go for a field goal with six minutes to go in the game. Sure, it was fourth-and-seven, but a smart coach, a real coach, treats this like four-down territory and makes a call on third down that will at least get a manageable fourth-and-short. They were on the 11 for God’s sake. You have one of the most mobile quarterbacks in the league. You have arguably the best running back in the NFL. Pick up four or five yards, set up a fourth-and-two. But even if you didn’t do that, kicking a field goal does nothing for you. You’re still down four and need a touchdown to win.

Do you really want to give Tom Brady, regardless of his 2019 stat line, the ball back with a chance to just run out the clock and beat you?

If you’re Jason Garrett you do. COWBOYS 24, BILLS 20

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT ATLANTA FALCONS (+7, O/U: 48.5)

It’s Thanksgiving and Dan Quinn still has a job if you, as a fan of any other NFC South team, were looking for something to be thankful for.

The ax has been hanging over Quinn’s head all season and he is easily the odds-on favorite to be the first coach sent down the trap door after Week 17. At one point Atlanta lost six straight this season, including losses to the Tennessee Titans and Arizona Cardinals. That alone should get you drop-kicked off the train.

Last week the Falcons lost 35-22 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Jameis Winston, a guy who will be delivering GrubHub crab legs next year.

They did beat this Saints team a few weeks ago, 26-9, which is probably why Quinn still has a job. It won’t happen again. SAINTS 38, FALCONS 16

Get the latest NFL football odds and information–follow BetOnline.ag on Twitter!

BetOnline.ag on Instagram–Follow for the latest odds, stats and information!