Antonio Brown Is Really Sorry, You Guys…

BY ADAM GREENE

Former All-Universe NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown wants the entire NFL to know one thing; he’s been a real jerk.

On Brown’s Instagram Saturday, the former New England Patriots wide out for all of one game released the following statement;

“First and foremost, I’d like to apologize to my family, friends and anyone who I offended,” Brown said, neglecting to mention that one of those offenses was allegedly raping a former trainer. “I never once meant to make anyone feel like I wasn’t thankful and appreciative of the opportunity that I was afforded to play the game I love.”

Except, of course, when he refused to play without his favorite helmet, then threatened to punch Oakland Raiders general manager Mike Mayock in the face and, when fined for the threat, demanded to be released. Other than all that, it’s been cool.

“I’ve worked hard over the years to earn a chance to compete in the greatest game on earth,” Brown continued. “Over the years I was met with challenges and I can honestly say I didn’t handle those challenges in the manner that I should have.”

Like, maybe ridiculing Patriots owner Robert Kraft for allegedly getting a handy at a Florida massage parlor?

“Over the past few weeks I’ve had the opportunity to think about everything that’s transpired and I am deeply sorry to all who I’ve offended,” Brown went on, presumably with thumbs he didn’t get stupidly frostbitten by wearing none of the provided protection in a cryotherapy pod. “While my behavior was inexcusable, sometimes when people are coming at you with false information and allegations, we handle ourselves in ways that we sometimes regret.”

One of those “allegations” Brown is calling “false” is that he ejaculated on Brittany Taylor’s back. Taylor, the aforementioned trainer in the rape accusation, was asleep at the time. The evidence for such a “false” claim? Brown’s own texts to Taylor admitting he did it and laughing about it.

So, you know. “False.”

“I do take full responsibility for my actions and I’m working everyday to repair what I broke,” Brown thumbed as he tears presumably dotted the screen of his new iPhone 11. “I do know that if I’m ever given the opportunity to play the game that I love, I’m going to work extremely hard to show the world how much I appreciate another chance. To the organizations that I offended, I offer my sincere apology to you and my hope is that you forgive me and help me move on from this minor setback. I look forward to competing and helping a team reach their goals.”

Will Brown be back in the NFL? Only if Taylor drops her suit and, even then, it’ll probably require a payoff that I’d bet Brown can’t presently afford. He doesn’t seem like a guy that’s taken good care of his money.

Even if he did manage to cobble together the cash to silence Taylor, any team that signed him would likely be looking at a #MeToo nightmare considering, as I wrote earlier, there are texts admitting sexual assault. Not the rape allegation, sure, but the whole masturbating on an unconscious woman’s back thing isn’t going away.

According to Fox Business, Brown and the NFL met last month and the league hasn’t announced any suspension so far, but that’s probably because the case with Taylor is still ongoing.

In the meantime, Brown has plenty of time to focus on his rap career. He just released a clip of his new untitled single on his Instagram Sunday and, in case you were curious and didn’t want to listen to it, it sounds like a dumpster fire of baby diapers full of rotting rat fetuses.

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