BAD BEATS: NFL WEEK 14

BY ADAM GREENE

Last week, it took us all the way to the Monday Night Football game between the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills to register our Bad Beat. In Week 14, we were pretty sure we’d filled that position by the time the 4 p.m. block of games kicked off.

If this is your first Bad Beat article, let me define what it is. It’s not just an upset or a surprising loss. Those happen all the time. While the ease that the Los Angeles Rams handled the Arizona Cardinals on their home stadium might have been kind of shocking, it didn’t count as a Bad Beat. It was obvious that, at best, the game would be close. Once the Rams got up by two scores, there was no chance of a Bad Beat occurring.

The fact that the Cards pulled with in a score and recovered the onside kick made it interesting, but the best you could have expected there was a cover from either team in overtime. Either way, a -1 spread does not portend a Bad Beat regardless.

And neither does a -2.5 spread, which is what makes Sunday’s Cleveland Browns 24, Baltimore Ravens 22 final so brutal.

First off, if you took Cleveland at -2.5 in this game, let me applaud your bravery. Because I can tell you right now, I would have straight moneyline bet this one on the Ravens (and did in a parlay) and never looked back 10 out of 10 times. If they played again today, I’d take Baltimore to win outright.

So the fact that you, Browns bettor, felt confident enough to put your hard earned cash on the current Browns against the former Browns that had beaten them four consecutive times, five of their last six, 10 of their last 12 and 25 of their last 30, is worthy of a hat tip at the very least. You see the world in your own special way, different from us ordinary folk. And I’m not talking about a Cleveland fan.

Any Browns fan worth their internalized sadomasochism doesn’t bet on the Browns with the intention of winning. They’re doing it to flip off the universe. To spit in fate’s eye. To just to feel something.

No, it’s the casual bettor that this one took down, because that Browns fan was so thrilled with picking up their sixth victory over their most hated franchise since 2008, didn’t care if it cost them $1,000 in the process.

You, Johnny Football come lately, though. You were planning on taking those winnings and buying one of those stupid NFTs to show off to your friends before dropping a couple thousand bucks on bottle service to impress dates that your bro Trevor “met on the internet.”

And when Cleveland went up 10 in the first half, then took a 24-6 lead at halftime, you were feeling great about your chances. Maybe you’d splurge for the Pepsi Mic Drop or the RTFKT Capsule Space Drip.

What are they? You don’t care. You didn’t get into hedge fund management because you were overly concerned with the details.

Once the second half rolled around, it was clear that Lamar Jackson was too injured to return. The Ravens would be riding with Tyler Huntley the rest of the way down by three scores.

Two more quarters and Pop Wonder World would be yours. What would you do with it? Where would you keep it? Do they give you some kind of certificate or something? Is this like naming a star for your ex girlfriend’s dead cat again? Mr. Pickles is a red giant 470 light years away. Will Pop Wonder World live in your iPhone?

You didn’t have time to ponder further as Huntley led the Ravens down for a nine-play drive ending in a field goal. Cleveland still led 24-9 and the girls your friend “invited” were already bored with all your crypto currency talk, so you wowed them with the Oxmons NFT you were going to purchase with your victory wad the second the final whistle blew. It’s a set of on-chain neural net generated pixel monsters. What does that mean? It’s hilarious that anyone would even think to ask.

Huntley again put Baltimore points on the scoreboard, this time with a seven play touchdown drive capped with a Latavius Murray rush. The Browns still led by nine and, math being your strong suit as an investment banker, you knew that a nine point lead was more than enough to cover the -2.5 you needed.

Then Cleveland and Baker Mayfield, the guy who you’ve based your whole look on, went three and out again. Baltimore, with Huntley under center, drove the length of the field and with 1:17 left. The back up QB tossed a TD to Mark Andrews. The Ravens had pulled within two.

And all the Browns would wan to do when they got the ball back is take a knee and get the hell out of there. Pretty much the same feeling you were having at that very moment when the check for your bottle service came.

There would be no Hackatao for you.  No McDoNFT would live on your phone. You would never get to pretend you knew or understood what Deafbeef meant or stood for.

You would leave the club significantly poorer, both as a bettor and a person after the girls bailed while you and Trevor were taking a piss in the men’s room.

Your only solace, as you tapped the Uber Black icon on your phone, was that you’d get a chance to make it all back up trying your best to obliterate the world economy a second time through your hedge fund management the next morning.

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan

The NFL season is rolling along and the Week 15 Schedule is up and taking bets at BetOnline.AG.

Connect with us our socials on Twitter and Instagram for the latest sports news, viral moments, betting odds and the occasional memes.