BAD BEATS: NFL WEEK 17 — Rise of the Dumb Beat

BY ADAM GREENE

We might have to alter our definition of a Bad Beat after this past Sunday of NFL games. While some of them went down to the wire and had exciting endings, none of them would qualify for the classic Bad Beat, where you snatched a betting defeat from the jaws of victory.

What we had instead was the Dumb Beat. Beats that happened because of the sheer stupidity of the players and coaches involved and their own poor choices on and off the field. Beats that were pre-ordained before the opening snap just because you were counting on a handful of guys to perform when called upon.

Consider Carson Wentz and Kirk Cousins. Both unvaccinated, but to their credit, they didn’t pretend they were “immunized” by some kind of shaman bezoars or eldritch chant like Aaron Rodgers. Instead, they just decided to raw dog the apocalypse. You can keep your incantations and dirt based teas, A-Rod. Cousins and Wentz were going to trust their own immune systems to protect them from a disease that’s killed more than 800,000 of their fellow Americans.

Well, I hope you are sitting down because what you are about to read will shock you — both guys caught COVID-19. Now, I’m sure your uncle is typing up a treatise on his Facebook page about how vaccinated people can still had breakthrough infections, but the facts are that people who do suffer those breakthrough infections mostly have light symptoms and rarely require serious care. It’s why the NFL, even before their new Covid rules were implemented, required two clear tests for a vaccinated asymptomatic player to get back on the field.

Unvaccinated people…. The raw doggers. They get the brunt of all of it. And while they might all be super pumped to take the monoclonal antibody treatment after they catch Covid (based on the exact same science as the vaccine), it comes with none of the political side effects that keep you from storming the United States Capitol or attempt to kidnap your governor. For whatever reason, the vaccine not only helps you not catch Covid, it keeps you from committing sedition and/or pumping yourself full of cattle de-worker and horse erectile dysfunction suppositories. What can’t science do?

So Wentz and Cousins caught Covid at the worst possible time, as pretty much all of us knew they would. Wentz, thanks to the NFL’s new protocols, was able to get back on the field in time for Sunday’s game and play like hot steaming garbage in a 23-20 Indianapolis Colts loss to the Las Vegas Raiders. Something I predicted would happen the second Wentz showed up on the Covid list, whether he was back by game time or not.

You see, contracting a disease that has killed millions of people is no small issue, regardless of what podcasts you listen to. It does a number on you and it’s a lot to ask of your body that’s been working hard to just keep you alive to go ahead and be NFL football ready five days after you’re symptomatic.

Wentz, in a game that could have punched the Colts’ ticket to the playoffs, completed 16 of 27 for just 148 yards and a touchdown. He was sacked once and finished with an 86.6 quarterback rating. Indianapolis was a -6.5 favorite.

But, hey, at least he got nabbed by a positive test early enough to play. Cousins did not and had to watch at home on his Barcalounger as the Minnesota Vikings were obliterated by the Green Bay Packers, 37-10.

Back up Sean Mannion gave it a go, but in a game that the Vikings had to win to stay alive for the playoffs, he completed 22 of 36 for only 189 yards and a touchdown. He was sacked twice and finished with a Wentz-ian 84.1 QB rating.

Cousins usually plays well against the Packers. In fact, coming into Sunday night’s game, he’d beat the Pack two straight times. Cousins is 4-3-1 against Green Bay in his career. For you to win your Minnesota bet, all he had to do was get within six. The Pack were -7 favorites.

But it wasn’t just Covid wreaking havoc on your bet slip this weekend. Antonio Brown made sure to be a factor, because of course he did. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were -13 favorites over the New York Jets.

Those hapless Jets, for some reason, showed up to play, but the Bucs were never in danger of not covering as they stormed back into the game until Tom Brady’s favorite target, Antonio Brown, decided he was done playing, tossed his jersey and equipment into the stands and left the stadium shirtless like he was filming an episode of Cops.

A startling turn of events form a guy who was just busted committing a federal crime and suspended by the league for forging a Covid vaccination card. Tampa Bay won 28-24 and scored just 18 points in the second half with Brown on his way to the airport.

Last, and certainly least, we have the Dallas Cowboys, -6 favorites over the Arizona Cardinals, finding themselves in a slugfest where every tick of the clock mattered. Every playcall had to count. And on their sideline stood Mike McCarthy. And, I have to tell you, once again Mike McCarthy really proved he was the Mike McCarthy of all Mike McCarthys.

He pulled out all the stops, played all the classics in the Cowboys 25-22 loss to the Cards. He wasted time on a five minute scoring drive to get within a field goal that started with 8:32 left in the game.

But, worse than that, he wasted all his time outs, so when the refs missed a late Cardinals’ fumble that would have given Dallas the ball with a chance to win or tie the contest, all he had in his pocket was a used up 5 Guys napkin.

And thus, with the fourth example in a single day of football, the Dumb Beat was born.

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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