We return with our weekly attempt to gather up a huge pile of dollar bills and jump into it like a mound of leaves at someone’s curbside. Yes, the Crazy Parlay is nuts, but it’s the good kind of nuts that could buy you a new roof for your house. Not the bad kind your weird nephew is allergic to.

We’ve come tantalizingly close a few times this year and, like I said last week, you’re probably using this article to build your own, saner parlays. Parlays that don’t use up all the good karma you’ve built up by properly distancing, wearing a mask and generally behaving like an empathic decent human being while your neighbors are out giving the nearest Walmart men’s room a thorough tongue bath.

But I’m here to say that’s not how karma works. Bets hit or they don’t and you won’t use up any the points you’ve amassed for The Good Place by nailing a stratospheric, but tactical, parlay.

So here’s what I’ve brought you this week:

Browns -3 at +102

Falcons +150

Texans +110

Bengals +105

Titans +235

Packers +100

Rams +175

It’s not a lot this time, but we can make it work. As usual, if you’ve read the latest Friday Afternoon Quarterback, then you know some of these moneylines, I like a lot. They’re wins I’ve already picked to happen.

The Browns wouldn’t be an upset, which is why getting plus money on their -3 line is such a good thing to pounce on ASAP. As for the Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints, in spite of all semblance of sanity, Sean Payton has decided to continue his epic head coaching troll by starting Taysom Hill over Jameis Winston as Drew Brees hits injured reserve for the next three weeks with an injured everything. I made that pick with Winston playing. At this point, I’d not only stick this in every parlay, but there would not be a teaser I liked on the board that didn’t work in the Falcons.

I like the Cincinnati Bengals to beat the Washington Football Team and the Tennessee Titans have to keep looking at the continued utter disrespect levied their way and use it to defeat the Baltimore Ravens, a team they completely manhandled last year in the playoffs. The Green Bay Packers are playing at the Indianapolis Colts the week after Philip Rivers had a good game. That means one of two things; Rivers’ wife is going to end up pregnant with their 10th kid or he’ll be awful Sunday.

As for the Houston Texans hosting the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick famously does pretty poorly against his former coaches, of which Romeo Crennel is one.

Lastly, you’ve got the Los Angeles Rams playing at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Rams and Saints are very similar, with comparable offenses and defenses. In fact, you’d have to give LA a significant edge on the D side of the ball. New Orleans knocked off Tampa Bay twice this season and held them to just three points a few weeks ago. This game could go very much like that.

A $25 bet on this parlay pays you $9,989.10, which will buy you a whole new set of kitchen appliances including one of those fridges with the TV in the door telling you what’s inside without needing to open it. You’re still going to open it to look anyway, but no one said the future had to make sense.

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