FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 10

BY ADAM GREENE

It turns out the Tyson Bagent era in Chicago wasn’t as over as we thought. The NFL’s own Heisenberg Meth cooker picked up another win as a starting quarterback as the Chicago Bears knocked off the Carolina Panthers 16-13 in a downright horrible game on Thursday Night Football.

Seriously, Amazon Prime paid $11 billion for this? Now, I’m not one to feel sorry for Jeff Bezos. He can suck it every single disastrous Thursday of lackluster NFL football the league gets him, but, as a fan, this was rough. And the fact is, you can’t blame injuries for this one like you can for every New York Jets Prime Time game on the schedule. There’s no universe in the multiverse where the Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears was going to be a good game. Amason should have balked the second the NFL Schedulers tossed this bag of dog crap into their direction.

This game was an atrocity from the beginning. The only touchdown the Panthers scored was on a punt return. Neither quarterback threw for more than 185 yards. No running back gained more than 80 yards. This could have been the worst game not featuring the Denver Broncos this season.

Frankly, Amazon should be contacting its lawyers tomorrow. There’s no excuse for this. We all watched because it was NFL football, but, to quote Liz Lemon, “blurgh.”

It would be tough to include the Thursday Night Football package in the NFL’s flex scheduling procedure, but not impossible. We all saw that this was going to be a disaster a month ago. That’s plenty of time to put a schedule change to put a quality game in the TNF spot. Even with the byes this week, every single contest on the mid-day Sunday schedule would have been better than the Panthers at Bears matchup that we got.

Those games are all still happening and  we have the lines, odds and totalswith which to make watching them not only entertaining, but lucrative.

Sure, Amazon has obviously flushed its money down the toilet, but we haven’t. Let’s pick some games!

Byes: Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Rams, Miami Dolphins, Philadelphia Eagles

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (+1.5, O/U: 43)

As great as it would be to see the Patriots continue their downward spiral right down the nearest Waffle House toilet, I find it hard to believe Gardner Minshew and the Colts can do it in Germany and make it happen. But, hey, no one will be happier than I’ll be if I’m wrong. Honestly, the fact that New England is playing a home game in Europe probably shows exactly how far this franchise has fallen since Tom Brady exited the facility. Patriots 20, Colts 17

CLEVELAND BROWNS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5, O/U: 38)

Games like this are exactly why the Browns gave up a ton of picks, and the dumbest quarterback contract in NFL history, to add Deshaun Watson. Watson managed to look like himself last week in a blowout win over the Arizona Cardinals which might just mean someone needs to check his Instagram DMs to make sure he’s not backslid onto a massage table. Lamar Jackson is playing at an MVP level and Baltimore could very well be one of the few teams capable of unseating the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC. Ravens 27, Browns 20

HOUSTON TEXANS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (-7, O/U: 47)

After claiming the unofficial NFC West title a couple of weeks ago, the Bengals managed, for the first time this year, to beat an actual AFC opponent in the Buffalo Bills. Houston is not a team to be overlooked, with a legit head coach in DeMeco Ryans and budding superstar quarterback in CJ Stroud. This game could be a lot more interesting than Cincy thinks. Bengals 27, Texans 23

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS AT JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+3, O/U: 45)

Chase Young’s first job as a 49er was apparently to forcibly carry defensive coordinator Steve Wilks from the coaches’ box down to the field so that Kyle Shanahan can spend the game smelling his musk. Adding Young was a coup, but it doesn’t fix the biggest problem with San Fran over the last three weeks, the generosity displayed by quarterback Brock Purdy who’s tossed five picks over that span. Jacksonville can do a lot to prove it belongs among the NFL’s elite by knocking off the Niners on the road. They have the team, and head coach in Doug Pederson, that can do it. Jaguars 31, 49ers 20

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3, O/U: 40.5)

Joshua Dobbs balled out last week after spending all of a couple of days with the Vikings. What can he do with an actual week of practice under his belt? Justin Jefferson is probably still a week away from hitting the field, but Dobbs dobbed it up without him last week. As for the Saints, Dennis Allen is pretty much coaching for his job every week and, while the Saints are in control of the NFC South, that really doesn’t mean a lot outside of that division. Vikings 24, Saints 23

GREEN BAY PACKERS AT PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-3.5, O/U: 39)

It’s almost as if the NFL schedulers are in on a conspiracy to make the Steelers bring back Matt Canada as their offensive coordinator in 2024. Pittsburgh has seen more fluffy cupcakes than Molly Yeh’s kitchen counter. While Green Bay has a significantly better play caller running the show in head coach Matt LaFleur, they’re lacking seriously in talent that can actually run those plays. I’m sorry yinzers. You’re probably winning this one. Steelers 20, Packers 16

TENNESSEE TITANS AT TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (-1, O/U: 39.5)

The Buccaneers have lost four games in a row, but with the exception of a 20-6 beat down by the Detroit Lions, they’ve all been close. Head coach Todd Bowles, like his NFC South counterpart Dennis Allen, is coaching for his life every week and gets the gift of a rookie quarterback, Will Levis, running the Tennessee offense on the road. Levis has looked good in two starts, but I like the Bucs at home. Buccaneers 23, Titans 20

ATLANTA FALCONS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5, O/U: 43.5)

Taylor Heinicke gets the call again at quarterback for Atlanta, exciting absolutely no one but his mom and even she’s like, “ehhh” and didn’t even bother picking him up for the bench of her fantasy team. Kyler Murray is not only back for the Cards, but there’s a chance James Connor takes the field too. I know that we just had a new Call of Duty game released, but I’m rolling with Lil’ Ky in his first game back. After all, he might be auditioning for other teams… specifically the one he’s playing Sunday. Cardinals 26, Falcons 19

DETROIT LIONS AT LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+3, O/U: 48.5)

We have a contrast of coaches here. Detroit’s Dan Campbell is currently the frontrunner in the Coach of the Year odds for good reason. Brandon Staley of the Chargers is currently in sixth place in the Next Head Coach to be Fired odds. And while sixth isn’t No. 1, that honor belongs to Matt Eberflus, it’s not great to be on that list. Detroit is piling up the wins, but mostly against inferior opponents. They do have a phenomenal win over the Kansas City Chiefs in the season opener, but since then their two losses are both to teams that made the playoffs in 2022. And that Seattle Seahawks loss in Week 2 was a real stinker. I think they’re about to Mike McCarthy up another bathroom in this one at Jared Goff’s old stomping grounds in SoFi. Chargers 27, Lions 24

NEW YORK GIANTS AT DALLAS COWBOYS (-17, O/U: 39.5)

Hey, speaking of Mike McCarthy, his team too struggles against squads with winning records. Luckily for them, the Giants are in no danger at all of posting one this season. Brian Daboll is obviously the right man for the job in New York, but he probably has a tough cut or trade coming up with Daniel Jones and a high draft pick with which to pick a quarterback that he actually trusts to run his offense. Either way, a loss to the Cowboys will help in that regard. Cowboys 44, Giants 6

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-6.5, O/U: 44.5)

The Commanders opened the season hoping to tank, but that’s harder than it looks in the NFC. The conference, as a whole, is down, with currently seven out of the 16 teams posting a winning record and two of those “winners” are just a game over .500. Seattle has benefited, once again, from a lackluster conference schedule and will, once again, pay for it once the playoffs start. Still, they should win this one and do Washington a solid. Seahawks 31, Commanders 17

Last week

Straight up: 10-4

Against the spread: 10-4

Season

Straight up: 85-51

Against the spread: 75-61

Follow Adam Greene on Twitter @TheFirstMan.

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