FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 9

By Adam Greene

By the time you read this, Mike McDaniel might already be shot out of the nearest airlock for the Miami Dolphins. Thursday night the Fish were soundly manhandled by the Baltimore Ravens, 28-6, in a game that felt like it was 100-6. 

Lamar Jackson, in his first game back from injury, did whatever he wanted to do, going 18 of 23 passing for 204 yards and four touchdowns with no interceptions. Derrick Henry rushed 19 times for 119 yards and the Dolphins scored six points. Just two field goals four days after putting 34 points on the Atlanta Falcons. 

The bad news for the fans of NFC West teams other than the San Francisco 49ers, is that McDaniel will just head west, rejoin Kyle Shanahan like Robert Saleh and get the whole band back together. As for their players, the trade deadline is Nov. 4, so expect lots of calls for Jaylen Waddle, Bradley Chubb and Jaelan Phillips. If I was De’Von Achane I’d be hopping on the plane with McDaniel to Northern California too.

Baltimore’s early season stumbles didn’t fool anyone. I can easily see, if the Pittsburgh Steelers faceplant into the ayahuasca this week against the Colts, that they’ll walk to an AFC North title. Up next, they have the Minnesota Vikings, Cleveland Browns, New York Jets, Cincinnati Bengals, Steelers, and Bengals again. That looks like a seven-game winning streak to me and a 10-5 record when they host the New England Patriots on Dec. 21.

This has been the season-long version of Lamar’s poop game against the Browns back in 2020 and he just stormed out of the locker room ten pounds lighter. 

Byes: Cleveland Browns, New York Jets, Philadelphia Eagles, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

SUNDAY

CHICAGO BEARS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (+2.5, O/U: 51)

One of these teams is about to take its second bad loss in a row. The Bears had the chance to clock-in with the league’s big dogs last week but were blown out by a Ravens squad starting its No. 3 quarterback. Cincinnati earned the distinction of being the first (and maybe only) win for the hapless and hopeless New York Jets. Like a rental car with unfamiliar comfort settings left on by the previous driver, Zac Taylor’s seat got a tad toasty after the Jets loss. Ben Johnson hasn’t gone viral for berating a female sideline reporter in weeks, so he at least has that going for him. This looks like a coin flip, but I’m going with Joey Flacco in this one. Bengals 27, Bears 24

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS AT NEW YORK GIANTS (+2.5, O/U: 49)

These are two of the most injured teams in the league, but squads on completely different trajectories. New York could play at the absolute peak of their ability and win two more games this season. San Fran, even with their bloated injury list, is still primed for the playoffs at least as a Wild Card, regardless of whatever cast off they start at quarterback. I feel like Kyle Shanahan will watch Jaxson Dart and think about what he could do with a guy like that and then look over and see Mac Jones and his clone Brock Purdy and just shrug his shoulders. I will never let it go that they traded two first round picks to draft Trey Lance when, a year later, they could have used those two first rounders to sign Lamar Jackson from the Ravens via the exclusive free agent franchise tag and built an unbeatable dynasty. And they could have used their original pick in that Lance draft to select Micah Parsons. Just unreal how bad a move that was. Anyway, you’re getting more of the same this year. Just think about what might have been, Niner fans. And despair.  49ers 20, Giants 16

ATLANTA FALCONS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-5, O/U: 45)

The whole reason the Falcons kept Kirk Cousins this offseason was insurance for Michael Penix, Jr. either getting injured or sucking. Cousins got the call last week against the Dolphins and if he looked any more ass he’d need to file a restraining order against Kanye West. As for the Pats, I was assured their deal with Satan had been paid in full and was no longer valid. Apparently, that was a lie. Drake Maye looking this good really bothers me on a fundamental level. Patriots 27, Falcons 17

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3. O/U: 50.5)

I picked the Steelers last week and, honestly, that was my fault. Every time Aaron Rodgers has the chance to get some sort of revenge on a team, he finds a way to thoroughly ivermectin himself. Just hydroxychloroquine the bed. He did it repeatedly against the 49ers. And, now, he did it against the Packers. Sure, he beat the Jets and got some vengeance there, but that’s on them. How much did A-A-Ron have to do with it? That being said, this game right here is exactly the contest that Rodgers shows up in and tosses darts all game. Pittsburgh’s defense couldn’t possibly look worse than they did last week. The Colts should crush the Steelers in this game, but I just don’t feel like they will. This is going to be one of those stupid Steelers wins. Steelers 24, Colts 21

CAROLINA PANTHERS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (-13, O/U: 44.5)

I remember this Packers team. It’s the same one that we all thought was the best in the league until they lost 13-10 to the Cleveland Browns and tied the Dallas Cowboys. Sure, they’ve won three straight, but let’s be real. They beat the Bengals, the Arizona Cardinals (who might be one of the three worst teams in the league) and the Steelers, who are OK at best. Now, does that mean they’ll lose to Carolina? Let’s not be crazy. That they won’t cover 13 points? Let’s quote Cam Ward and keep it buck. It’s just, I’m not ready to hand them back the crown this week, regardless if they put 50 on the Panthers. Packers 34, Panthers 17

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT DETROIT LIONS (-9, O/U: 47.5)

It’s the day Kevin O’Connell has been dreading as he is forced to put JJ McCarthy back into the line up to face one of the best defensive fronts in the league, with Detroit. Aiden Hutchinson has just gotten a contract upgrade and might earn every penny of it sacking McCarthy Sunday afternoon. Minnesota has an elite roster everywhere but QB and they are about to get blown out like Axel Rose’s hair before they filmed the Welcome to the Jungle video. Lions 44, Vikings 16

DENVER BRONCOS AT HOUSTON TEXANS (-1, O/U: 40.5)

You know what’s crazy? Last week the Texans were favored over the 49ers and I thought that was nuts. Instead, Houston won 26-15 and the game wasn’t nearly as close as that score would lead you to believe. This week, they’ve got a point on the Broncos, who just played their best game of the season, destroying the Cowboys 44-24. Is it possible that someone else figured out Houston was good again before I did? I’m suspicious, Texans, but I’m going with the books here. Texans 23, Broncos 20

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS AT TENNESSEE TITANS (+9.5, O/U: 43.5)

Justin Herbert made celebrity news this week by keeping a basketball from careening off Madison Beer’s moneymaker at a Los Angeles Lakers game. The only news the Titans have made is how many of their players they’re going to trade away for draft capital for the next head coach and general manager. Earlier this week Tennessee sent former second round pick Roger McCreary to the Rams in exchange for some magic beans and an expired Arby’s coupon. There’s a good chance the Chargers could come into Nashville and leave with a win, Kevin Zeitler and Arden Key. Chargers 31, Titans 13

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (+3, O/U: 44.5)
There’s two pieces of good news for the Jaguars as they return to the United States. They only have one more game against the NFC West, the Cardinals, and they’re playing a Vegas squad that’s lost five of their last six and has been beaten by two scores or more in four of those games. Pete Carroll, there’s not enough Bubblicious on the planet to fix this. The funny thing is, a month ago it was all scandalous that Tom Brady was working for Fox calling NFL games while being an active owner of the Raiders. Now, no one seems all that concerned. Jaguars 30, Raiders 9

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT LOS ANGELES RAMS (-13.5, O/U: 44)

A month ago. the Saints beat the Giants with both Dart and Cam Skattebo on the field. And, ultimately, that loss might be the one that ends up getting Brian Daboll fired. No one in New Orleans is in any danger of losing their job as the plan to “Tank for Arch” is working perfectly with only one problem. Arch Manning hasn’t played all that great and will probably not enter April’s NFL Draft. Still, Fernando Mendoza looks like a solid plan for the Saints, who currently hold the No. 1 overall pick if the draft were held today. Nothing can screw it up other than winning. Luckily, the Rams are here to help. Rams 38, Saints 6

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT BUFFALO BILLS (+1.5, O/U: 52.5)

Buffalo got a useless win over the Panthers last week and the Chiefs served notice that they were all the way back, beating the Washington Commanders 28-7. That explains the line here, and I get it. Here’s the problem. This is the regular season. And if Kansas City truly is back, if they’re really the team they’ve historically been that’s gone to seven consecutive AFC Championships then we know what’s going to happen. They’re going to lose to the Bills in the regular season. Since the 2022-23 season, Buffalo is 3-0 against KC in the regular season and 0-2 in the playoffs. That includes the AFC title game last year. If the Chiefs really are back, they’re losing this game and winning the rematch in January. Bills 41, Chiefs 38

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (+3, O/U: 48)

Back in September this looked like a game that would be a key matchup determining NFC Wild Card seeding. Now, it could be the game that pretty much wraps it up for Washington four weeks before Thanksgiving. The Commanders must win this one to stay alive for the postseason, even this early, because the top-heavy NFC teams are running away with it. I don’t think they can do it. Seahawks 34, Commanders 24

MONDAY

ARIZONA CARDINALS AT DALLAS COWBOYS (-2.5, O/U: 53.5)

Well, here’s the bad news. The NFL can’t flex out of scheduled Monday Night Football games until Week 12. The worst news is there’s no way they’d flex out of this one anyway, because the Cowboys are unflex-able. Here’s the bright side. Kyler Murray, fresh from forming new thumb calluses playing Battlefield 6 over the last couple of weeks, has never lost at AT&T Stadium in the sport of football. He’s 9-0 from his time in high school, college and the pros at Jerry World. Dallas has one of the best offenses in the NFL and maybe the worst defense fielded outside of the UFL. They might end up active at the trade deadline for help, but none of those reinforcements will be in town by Monday. This one should be fun and that under has NO CHANCE. Cowboys 41, Cardinals 38

Last Week

Straight up: 8-5

Against the spread:89-5

Season

Straight up: 78-40-1

Against the spread: 58-61

Survivor Pool Picks: Broncos (Week 1), Ravens (Week 2), Bucs (Week 3), Bills (Week 4), Rams (Week 5) X, Colts (Week 6), Patriots (Week 7), Chiefs (Week 8), Cowboys (Week 9)

Follow Adam Greene on Blue Sky @AdamGreene13, threads @adam.greene and Twitter @TheFirstMan