FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: NFL WEEK 17

We’re picking the full slate of games this week with an early Friday Afternoon Quarterback Christmas Special. From all of us, to all of you, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and all your loved ones, Grinches, Scrooges, and Krampuses included.

CHRISTMAS DAY

DALLAS COWBOYS AT WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (+7, O/U: 51)

Merry Christmas from the NFL, everybody. Hope you like crap. Because that’s what we’re getting started with this pure, refined stinker of a game. Is it worse than the games that come after it? Yes, mainly because both of these teams are completely out of playoff contention, and there’s a chance Washington will be forced to pull some Subway Sandwich Artist out of the stands to play quarterback if Marcus Mariota can’t go. The Cowboys should be at full strength on offense, which will show exactly how poorly they’ve built their team as their defense opens up like a couple of salon doors to whatever parolee the Commanders put behind center. Cowboys 34, Commanders 17

DETROIT LIONS AT MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+7, O/U: 43)

Well, if you can believe it, the Lions are the actual important team taking the field this Christmas Day, as they still have a puncher’s chance of making the playoffs if every single Green Bay Packers QB remains injured. First, though, they’ve got to knock off a Vikings team with its own QB problems. And whether that is the fact that JJ McCarthy is probably out for the rest of the season with a hand fracture or that he remains the quarterback plan for next season, Minnesota fans will have to decide. Regardless, it’s probably Max Brosmer’s time again! Lions 31, Vikings 3

DENVER BRONCOS AT KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (+13, O/U: 36)

I can see them now, the NFL schedules back in May, looking at the Prime Time slot on Christmas night, knowing they would have their second captive audience of the year, and tossing them what looked like a key division battle between an up-and-coming Broncos squad and the Dynasty de jour, led by Taylor Swift wedding participant Patrick Mahomes. Well, the best laid schemes o’ mice and man gang aft agley, fellas. Denver kept up its end and currently holds the top seed in the AFC. Kansas City, on the other hand, is starting Chris Oladokun at quarterback, a person I have been assured is real and not some monstrous A.I. creation or named after Ryu’s special attack from Street Fighter, after both Patrick Mahomes and Gardner Minshew were injured. How ugly will this game be? It just messaged me on Instagram and asked me if I’m single. Broncos 27, Chiefs 3

SATURDAY

HOUSTON TEXANS AT LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-2, O/U: 39.5)

After a Christmas Day of pure garbage, Saturday delivers us at least one watchable game with a potential playoff preview that the Texans will win now, and then win again in the middle of January. How many times can Justin Herbert break his hand in a regular season? Texans 24, Chargers 17

BALTIMORE RAVENS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (-2.5, O/U: 40.5)

Lamar Jackson is hurt. Jordan Love is in concussion protocol. Malik Willis has an injured shoulder. There’s a great chance we’ll see Tyler Huntley vs Clayton Tune, a man who has completed 14 passes in his NFL career with one start. It’s almost like the Gods of Football want that Lions vs Chicago Bears game to be flexed to Sunday Night Football in Week 18. Ravens 20, Packers 10

SUNDAY

ARIZONA CARDINALS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (-7. O/U: 53.5)

I didn’t play fantasy football this year, but I’m assuming this game might be important to those who did. Enjoy it. I hope whatever humiliation you have planned for your bottom finisher and the guy that was likely the best man at your wedding requires some kind of body paint and public nudity. Bengals 41, Cardinals 30

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (+7, O/U: 42)

The last time the Panthers hosted an NFC West-leading team holding onto the No. 1 seed in the playoffs, they shocked the world and beat them. I think I’m feeling it again. Panthers 24, Seahawks 23

PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3, O/U: 33.5)

Not only did the Steelers clinch their 22^nd straight non-losing season last week and 19^th straight under Mike Tomlin, if they knock off the Browns Sunday, they’ll also clinch the AFC North and actually get to rest starters in Week 18. But let’s be honest, the only reason any of us are paying attention to this game is to see if Myles Garrett can set the all-time sack record by planting Aaron Rodgers upside down on the Cleveland sod. Steelers 23, Browns 13

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT TENNESSEE TITANS (+2.5, O/U: 39)

I would say this game could have some fantasy football implications, but if you had any skill player from either of these franchises on your team, you are long out of your playoff hunt. So what could make this one interesting? The fact that the two guys under center, Cam Ward and Tyler Shough, are probably the two best rookie quarterbacks in this year’s class, and Shough can do a lot to keep the job by finishing the year strong. Saints 20, Titans 17

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (+5.5, O/U: 45.5)

If you’re wondering what happened to Baker Mayfield this season, it’s the same thing that happened in his final year in Cleveland. He’s hurt but toughing it out. Unfortunately for the Bucs, and maybe Todd Bowles’ job security, it’s not going to be good enough to get that first-round playoff loss they had circled back in September. They’ll win this game, though. Buccaneers 23, Dolphins 13

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7, O/U: 48)

It’s obvious that the Colts are a good team that got hammered by a late-season injury to their quarterback. We’re all enjoying the dang Philip freaking Rivers show, but we all know how this one is going to end. The Jags have shown themselves to be on the verge of being contenders over the last few weeks, including solidly beating the Broncos last Sunday. If they’re a potential AFC Championship team, they’ll put Indy out of their misery early. Jaguars 34, Colts 16

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT NEW YORK JETS (+13.5, O/U: 43)

It’s too early for the Pats to rest starters, right? Patriots 38, Jets 0

NEW YORK GIANTS AT LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (-1.5, O/U: 42)

You know it’s going bad for the Giants when I’m about to pick the Raiders without even an extra second to think about it. The crazy thing is, I still think New York is probably the best open coaching position coming into the offseason. And the Raiders will probably be No. 2 once they lure Pete Carroll out of the facility with a trail of Werther’s Originals. Raiders 27, Giants 23

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT BUFFALO BILLS (-1.5, O/U: 43.5)

When the schedule came out back in May, this looked like a potential Super Bowl preview and it still could be. If a whole lot goes wrong for much better NFC teams. Josh Allen, if you’re serious about staying in the MVP race, here’s where it’s got to happen. Bills 27, Eagles 24

CHICAGO BEARS AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-3, O/U: 52.5)

Here’s what we’re looking at in this Sunday nightery. If the 49ers win out, they’re NFC West Champions and the NFC’s No. 1 seed and get a first-round bye. If the Packers lose Saturday, the Bears will have already clinched the NFC North, but they too must win out to secure the NFC’s No. 1 seed and a first-round bye. This is a playoff game to determine who can control the playoffs. Is it cold in here? Because I just peeled my shirt off. Bears 27, 49ers 24

MONDAY

LOS ANGELES RAMS AT ATLANTA FALCONS (+9, O/U: 50)

The Rams, with their loss to the Seahawks last week, fell from the No. 1 seed to the No. 5. They’ve already secured a playoff spot and were the first team to do so. Now, all they need is the 49ers and Seahawks to both lose one game in the next two, and they’ll, at worst, reclaim the NFC West crown. They’ll know if they’ve already got it in hand before kickoff Monday night in a game against a team that traded LA its first-round pick back in April. Lots of good potential Christmas presents under the tree for Sean McVay, Matt Stafford, Puka Nacua, and company in this one. Rams 37, Falcons 23

Last Week

Straight up: 8-8

Against the spread: 8-8

Season

Straight up: 156-81-1

Against the spread: 117-121

Survivor Pool Picks: Broncos (Week 1), Ravens (Week 2), Bucs (Week 3), Bills (Week 4), Rams (Week 5) X, Colts (Week 6), Patriots (Week 7), Chiefs (Week 8), Chargers (Week 9), Lions (Week 10), 49ers (Week 11), Packers (Week 12), Seahawks (Week 13), Browns (Week 14), Texans (Week 15), Bears (Week 16), Bengals (Week 17)