FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL DIVISIONAL ROUND

As I sit here, with a solid chance to legitimately finish one game over .500 against the spread in an all-time toe stub year for me, I want to celebrate my actual accomplishments. My moneyline picks have been fine. I’m not going to break any personal records, but I’ve done a solid job there. 

But where I’ve excelled is my potential Super Bowl pick. Back in August, I predicted a Super Bowl LX rematch; San Fransico 49ers vs Kansas City Chiefs III. And while the Chiefs faceplanted into a pile of whale excrement, the Niners have made it into the Divisional Round with a group of Subway Sandwich Artists and Fudrucker’s Grillmasters on defense. It’s probably the finest head coaching performance of Kyle Shanahan’s life and, if I had a vote, he’d be my Coach of the Year. 

As it is, Ben Johnson, Liam Coen, or Mike Vrabel will probably nab that award. You can’t argue with either choice. But, for Shanny, this year has proven a lot. Which probably means San Francisco fans will be calling for him to be fired next offseason.

That’s enough niceties. That’s not what this column is about. No, it’s about picking the outcomes of NFL games and making some jokes in the process. 

SATURDAY

BUFFALO BILLS AT DENVER BRONCOS (-1, O/U: 46)

Hey, I’m as guilty of thinking the same stuff as every other talking face on the internet or TV. This has to be Josh Allen’s time, right? If not now, when? The problem is, I had that same thought last week when I picked Justin Herbert and the Los Angeles Chargers to beat the New England Patriots and the only way they could have been more absent in that game was if their daughters were all strippers. Is there a chance that Josh Allen will “go out to grab some cigarettes” in this one, or is this really his moment?

As for Denver, they keep getting called frauds, but when I look at their schedule, I see wins over the Houston Texans, Philadelphia Eagles, Green Bay Packers, and Los Angeles Chargers, all teams that made the playoffs. Yeah, the team has more holes in it than Sonny Corleone at the toll booth, but you could say that of every squad in the playoffs. It’s still anybody’s title. 

What do I think will be the difference? Sean Payton, and not in a good way. He’s had two weeks to sit and rock on his own super genius thumbs in a cloud of his own farts so noxious it’s violated the Clean Air Act and you can’t go into his office without a hazmat suit. He’ll do something stupid that will cost them this game and you don’t need Oz the Mentalist to tell you that. Bills 27, Broncos 24

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7, O/U: 45)

Well, I was all ready to lock in my pick for this game when I saw that Samuel Richard Darnold is listed as questionable for this game with a tweaked oblique. I can imagine that a sore lower back might hinder a quarterback’s throwing touch. I had already suspected that this would be a low-scoring game with Darnold and Purdy trading as many interceptions as touchdowns. Now, will Darnold be able to throw it down the field? 

As for the Niners, you don’t win “attaboys” at the NFL level, but if a team ever deserved it, it’s them. They’ve been both injury-plagued and quit-plagued as Brandon Aiyuk basically went into witness protection and decided he wasn’t going to play football anymore. To call this a “no-name” defense is an overstatement. They’re basically playing with the old NES Fighting Baseball team roster of guys like Steve Redrosian, Tim Wakefield, and Ted Balloon. Do you think Dimitri Yesedaert and Mibre Chipley sound any less real than Yetur Gross-Matos and Darrell Luter, Jr? You’re going to tell me Deommodore Lenoir is a real person and Doug Pernandez isn’t? What sounds more fake? Scott Lobert or Upton Stout? 

Seattle should be able to stop what San Fran does on offense, as they did two weeks ago, and maybe get enough out of Darnold’s half a back and its running game to make it to the NFC Championship. Seahawks 19, 49ers 13

SUNDAY

HOUSTON TEXANS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5, O/U: 40.5)

If you think that Seahawks-Niners game sounds ugly, this game just slid into my DMs and sent me an unsolicited nude. The Texans outscored the Pittsburgh Steelers on defense alone last week, which is a good thing because CJ Stroud had his worst game as a pro, throwing a pick and fumbling five times. 

New England, on the other hand, also looked terrible, but they were blessed with helping end Greg Roman’s offensive playcalling career, at least until John Harbaugh hires him to be OC for the New York Giants. I don’t know what Roman has on the Harbaugh brothers that they refuse to let him stay unemployed. The end came, mercifully, when the Pats sacked Justin Herbert on a fourth-and-nine, where Roman called a play-action pass. A 12-year-old wouldn’t make that call in rookie mode on Madden. So, anyway, the Patriots basically got a bye, and Drake Maye still played like garbage in. As good as the Chargers’ defense might have been, Houston’s is significantly better. I think both AFC Cinderellas are about to go full pumpkin in this round. Texans 13, Patriots 10

LOS ANGELES RAMS AT CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5, O/U: 48.5)

Both the Rams and Bears put forth last-minute comebacks to set up this game. Chicago finds itself a home underdog for the second week in a row, in spite of showing all season that it can never be counted out. Caleb Williams and their offense is basically Jason Vorhees at this point. You think you’ve got them beaten, and they blast out of the lake for one last scare to end your season. 

As for Los Angeles, Matthew Stafford put on a clinic on his final drive to end the Carolina Panthers season, but the defense once again allowed the Panthers abuse them as they paid for it on Craigslist for the fourth quarter. It’s hard to count Chicago out and this could end up the game of the week. LA bowed out in the final seconds on the road, in the snow, in the Divisional Round last year, barely missing a shot at the NFC Championship by 13 yards. This season? I think they get it done. Rams 31, Bears 27

Last Week

Straight up: 4-2

Against the spread: 4-2

Season

Straight up: 177-98-1

Against the spread: 135-141