FRIDAY AFTERNOON QUARTERBACK: NFL WEEK 5

I write this column with a heavy heart. You see, my favorite team, the Los Angeles Rams, were an -8.5 favorite at home against their archrivals, the San Francisco 49ers, playing with a bunch of Subway sandwich artists at wide receiver and a quarterback whose parents looked down at a baby fresh from the womb and decided the best name for that chubby infant was “McCorkle.”

Now, I knew better than to trust that spread. I have watched my team, the Rams, blow so many games against the Mike Shanahan Niners at this point, I could relive them all in my nightmares. If you’re curious, they all looked at lot like that one, the 26-23 overtime loss that Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit were treated to on Amazon’s Thursday Night Football. 

They were all, across the board, games where the Rams should have won going away, by three or more scores. You should have seen Jimmy Garoppolo play the final five minutes of this one handing the ball off to Blake Corum as Matt Stafford and Sean McVay yukked it up on the sidelines. But you didn’t. And that, my friends, is why I hate the San Francisco 49ers with everything that I am. 

But I hate them in a special way. I want them to be good. I wanted them to be 3-1 coming into this game. I want them to have a shot at winning a Super Bowl and I want the Rams to be the team that keeps that from happening. I got it in 2021-22, but all it took was LA getting swept by San Francisco in the regular season. 

What’s really important, as far as you’re concerned, is I picked the game correctly against the spread, something I have been terrible at so far this season. So, let’s keep the good times rolling as I try not rend my Rams Super Bowl LVI Championship T-shirt I was actually wearing all game into shreds.  

Byes: Atlanta Falcons, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers

SUNDAY

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3.5, O/U: 36)

It’s the classic Carson Wentz vs Dillon Gabrial quarterback duel you’ll be telling your grandkids about. I’m not sure how many Browns QBs that meme name-filled jersey is up to at this point, but at this point that guy has to be adding names to the chest plate. There’s no way there’s more room on the back. 

Ole Gabe draws a tough one against the Vikings defense, but the idea that Wentz will get out of this one without tossing multiple picks or coughing up the ball with Myles Garrett riding him like Secretariat to the ground seems almost ridiculous. This one gets all your attention as the morning game in London, played at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, a place with a name that sounds like a sex act you’d look up on Urban Dictionary that would require a chukka boot and bottle of Cholula. Vikings 16, Browns 10 

MIAMI DOLPHINS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (+1, O/U: 44.5)

I feel like the real tragedy for the Dolphins in losing Tyreek Hill to injury last week was that they won’t be able to trade him for a third-round pick before the deadline. After the game, one in which Hill’s leg was nearly torn off, Tua Tagovailoa thanked God for the win and keeping the rest of the team injury free, like you would if you really cared for your teammate who has seven kids with mouths to feed that we know about. 

The Panthers looked like an actual NFL team two weeks ago and decided that was enough for 2025. The good news for Carolina is, if they do want to replace Bryce Young at quarterback, they should have every guy coming out to pick from come next April. Dolphins 27, Panthers 16

DALLAS COWBOYS AT NEW YORK JETS (+2.5, O/U: 47.5)

There are two great mysteries on display in this game. The first is how anyone thought Aaron Glenn would be a slam dunk hire as its second straight defensive head coach for the Jets when that team was in complete shambles on offense through multiple presidential administrations and, secondly, how is Brian Schottenheimer actually doing OK at a job he shouldn’t have gotten within sniffing distance? Cowboys 24, Jets 20

LAS VEGAS RAIDERS AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7, O/U: 48)

Geno Smith once said that we, as a football industry, wrote him off but he didn’t write back. Seems like he might be breaking out the ornate quill pen and inkwell after the start of this season. 

The Colts lost a tough game against the Rams last week on the road, but Danny Dimes should find enough room to get this one done when Maxx Crosby isn’t actively trying to put a baby inside him. Colts 27, Raiders 17

DENVER BRONCOS AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3.5, O/U: 43.5)

You could say this looks like a trap game for the Eagles, but all they’ve had is trap games this season and they’ve shot through them like the Roadrunner sending Wyle E Coyote off the nearest cliff. The Broncos are strapped atop the Acme rocket this time. Eagles 24, Broncos 20

NEW YORK GIANTS AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-2, O/U: 42)

I honestly did not believe I’d see the Saints favored in a single game this year. I’m positive I won’t see it after this week. I’m riding with Jaxson Dart and his ridiculously hot mom this week. Kara, my DMs are open. Giants 20, Saints 13

HOUSTON TEXANS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS (+1.5, O/U: 40.5)

Cooper Rush, Ravens? You looked at all the backup quarterback options available to you and decided to pull the trigger on the Gingerslinger. I honestly don’t think Todd Monken can call plays for a guy that stands in the pocket like a statue. What a gift for a Texans team desperate to not see the Colts and Jacksonville Jaguars run away with the AFC South. Texans 34, Ravens 17

TENNESSEE TITANS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS (-8, O/U: 42.5)

All I can say is, all of you who picked the Cardinals this week instead of the Rams in your survival pools, well done. I can only wave at you from my burning longboat as it slowly sinks. Cardinals 24, Titans 13

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-3.5, O/U: 44.5)

To me, the Seahawks always tell me more about the teams they defeat than they do about themselves. As I mentioned above, I hate the 49ers, but the other NFC West teams I’m completely ambivalent about. They aren’t rivals. They’re just on the schedule. I don’t think Baker and the Bucs are losing two in a row. Buccaneers 27, Seahawks 19

DETROIT LIONS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (+10.5, O/U: 49.5)

Detroit is such a strong team that when Jared Goff has his requisite bad game every two to three weeks, they can still manage to win. There was a thought that Joe Burrow might battle to come back to Cincinnati in December if the team is in playoff contention, but that idea at this point is probably funnier than any joke I could make. Lions 44, Bengals 13

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS AT LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-3, O/U: 47)

Jayden Daniels is slated to play and this game just got a lot more interesting. The Chargers should be shamed for losing last week on the road to the Giants in Jaxson Dart’s first NFL start. Justin Herbert normally does it blow it like that until late January. Chargers 27, Commanders 23

SUNDAY NIGHT

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT BUFFALO BILLS (-9, O/U: 48)

Again, I’m still hot here. Like, my face literally feels hot over this Rams loss to the 49ers, but there is one more team I legitimately hate in the NFL and it’s the Patriots. While I want the Niners to be good and have their season ended by the Rams, I’d love nothing more than to see the Patriots go 0-17 until the sun burns out. But we don’t pick with our hearts, no matter how filled with hate they might be. 

The Bills should win this one, but I’m not feeling that spread. And, trust me, after what I just watched on Thursday night, nothing would please me more than to watch Buffalo win this one 185-0. Bills 27, Patriots 20

MONDAY NIGHT

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+3.5, O/U: 46.5)

Are the Chiefs back? Last week sure looked like it, but that could be more about Baltimore being surprisingly bad this season. No one should think Kansas City is anywhere near out of it and I’m still thinking they’ll win the AFC West, especially after the Chargers got Lawn “Darted” last week on the road. This is a long trip and could be a real feather in the cap for Liam Coen if he can pull it off. Much like successfully saying “Duuuval” at a press conference, I don’t think he can. Chiefs 31, Jaguars 24

Last Week

Straight up: 9-6-1

Against the spread: 5-11

Season

Straight up: 43-20-1

Against the spread: 26-38

Survivor Pool Picks: Broncos (Week 1), Ravens (Week 2), Bucs (Week 3), Bills (Week 4), Rams (Week 5)

Follow Adam Greene on Blue Sky @AdamGreene13, threads @adam.greene and Twitter @TheFirstMan